Our journey through adoption.

The 11 months between April of 2004 and February of 2005 I can easily say were the most diffucult months of my life. On April 1st, 2004, after 10 weeks and 3 days of pregnancy we had found out during an ultrasound appt. that our baby had passed away. That day is a day I hate to relive because it was almost unbearable. It was a day that changed both Darrel and I forever. We’ve never been the same, our hearts both were ripped out of us, and never have fully been whole again. I also know that as much as my heart wishes things had turned out so differently, I know the Lord allowed this to happen in our lives for reasons now known and some still unknown. The Lord allows the most heartbreaking things to happen in our lives for reasons, He does not promise us an easy road, He only promises He will carry us through. As believers we have a faith that gets us through even the most diffucult times, and I know that without that faith in the Lord I wouldn’t be here today and I know the peace only the Lord can provide. In the days and months after losing our baby I didn’t talk to the Lord, and in those times I “lost” myself. But the Lord never stopped loving me and one day when I was as low as low could be, I got on my knees and cried out to the Lord and said ” I cannot do this on my own Lord, I need you to rescue me from this heartache, grief, and depression that has left me broken, I need you Lord” and He rescued me that day. He was the only one that could get me through, and still does get me through the pain of losing our babies. But on Feb. 28, 2005, I knew in my heart that I once again was pregnant. I remember that day just as clearly as the day we found out we were pregnant the first time. I woke up and just knew…I went and walked around the Victoria Gardens to try to “shake” the feeling but I knew, and I was scared to death to think I was pregnant again because of what I had just been through, I can honestly say at this time, I felt finally “normal” again and so the thought of going through pregnancy or the possibility of losing another baby was scary…but I went and bought a pregnancy test and as I was driving home I told the Lord, “Lord you have to give me a VERY clear answer, as clear as can be, that I should take this pregnancy test, I will not take it, I can’t take it unless I know you are telling me to…” the Lord answered and answered as clear as can be…as I was pulling up to our driveway frustrated because I hadn’t felt His peace, and as I was about to turn off the truck, the song came on, The Pathway is Broken”….and you are probably thinking “who cares, its just a song” let me be very clear that, that song was NEVER played on Air1, I listened to that station for months, just to hear that song, and it never came on…then it came on. I bursted into tears and just said okay Lord, thank you, I will take this test and I will trust in your will for us completely, you know what I can and cannot handle and you promise to never give us what we can’t handle..” Went in, took the test and it said pregnant. Tried to wait to call Darrel but couldn’t…so I called him and told him over the phone, “I’m pregnant again Darrel, I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant…and I said it like 10 times.” He came home and asked me how I was feeling and I remember telling him “I have a peace that no matter what we are going to be okay…” This day was one of those days that was exciting, but bittersweet too, I was so happy to be pregnant again but I also was hesitant because of obvious reasons…we were paranoid, paranoid enough to go buy a new car so I wouldn’t be getting up and down out of our huge truck, the next day, haha.  We told my parents the next night when we had gone to show them our new car, the Lord once again confirmed to me that I know His voice because when we told my parents, my Mom and Dad both looked at one another and my Mom told me…”your Dad has prayed for you and Darrel to have a baby every morning on his way to work since you lost your first baby, and yesterday morning on his way to work he prayed and he came home and told me, he felt a peace come over him and he didn’t understand why, he just felt a peace and the Holy Spirit go through him”…my Dad just said “thats why, you found out you were pregnant”.. and that night we prayed hand in hand in a circle with my parents, us and Wendi for the Lord to protect our baby. Only a week after finding out we were pregnant with our second baby, did we find out once again we lost our baby. It hurt just as deeply, but this time we didn’t turn from the Lord, I ran full force ahead to Him to get me through this again, and the peace I felt that day when we found out we were pregnant, was a promise from the Lord that we would get through this again with the Lord carrying us through…”. I think about our babies very often, almost every day still, I have this picture in my head of the day I meet the Lord, my gosh, I can’t even imagine what that will be like, I can’t even imagine, but I do picture Him there, holding each of our baby’s in His arms…I know one day I will look in His eyes and see He has NEVER let me down…I know that part of the reason we lost our two babies so I could help one of my dearest friends through her loss, I also know that I’ve grown friendships I wouldn’t have grown unless this happened, I know that we wouldn’t be here in Idaho today either, and I know that we are meant to be here! The Lord has has been very clear to me in 3 different instances throughout my life, 1 when I called out to Him to rescue me, 2, when I asked Him to give me an answer about taking the pregnancy test, and 3 when I asked Him if we should move to Idaho, He gave me definate answers, nothing about those answers were concidience…nothing, it was the Lord…I have a deep peace that He has brought us here for many, many reasons, but one of those reasons is that I know He is going to give us our family here, we are going to adopt our baby here, and one day I do hope to carry another baby inside of me… I know we are here for reasons that are beyond understanding right now.. I know He allowed us down this journey, to give us our hearts desire, a baby! Today I feel like we are celebrating another miracle…we turned in our homestudy packet. We have a new hope for a baby, a baby we pray for each night together, a baby that is already loved…who knows what our journey is going to bring..I just have the same peace I had the 2nd time we found out we were pregnant “a peace that no matter what we are going to be okay because the Lord is carrying us through…”

Over the last few days I’ve received 3 emails that have been encouraging. One was from a women named Christine that I met through CASI, we have been emailing back and forth, her and her husband are in the process of adoption and on Friday they were officially put on the waiting list. She just encouraged us to remain hopeful and rely on our faith to stay patient as we endure all the obstacles we have to go through. 2nd email was from a great friend in California, she sent me a beautiful email just saying that she is praying for us and that she knows Darrel and I will one day have a baby staring in our eyes with complete love for us. And the other was from my parents, saying that they wish us 30 years of a strong marriage as they are celebrating their 30th anniversary today. My parents have an amazing marriage, they always took care of their relationship while raising Wendi and I, and their relationship is stronger than ever. I see the way they both look at one another, they both adore the other and its a true inspiration for me!

This weekend we completed all the paperwork to turn in our homestudy packet, today we both needed to photocopy a few things and get a letter from our medical insurance that we can add our baby to it when that day comes. So tomorrow is the official day we will turn in our homestudy packet. We are excited and relieved. We do have to complete about 3 more parenting classes before they can schedule a caseworker to come to our home, so hopefully we can finish those classes by mid March but other than that, we are completed with all our to do list items. So I think realistically we will be on a waiting list mid-April because according to Christine, the casework paper process took a little longer than they expected…so just continue to pray for us. When we were completing our autobiography’s and our profile, I cried when I was writing the part about our family and friends. We are so blessed to have so many involved people in our lives, praying for us and just loving us. Sending us emails, cards, calling and checking in, its pretty amazing. We feel SO blessed and supported, we could not ask for more out of all of you. Thank you!

It was really weird but yesterday when I was thinking about our “to do” list to finish all the paperwork for adoption I got butterflies in my stomach really bad. I think it was just this overwhelming feeling knowing that once our paperwork is turned in, we finish our hours of parenting classes and have our homestudy we can be put on the list. With adoption you just don’t know how long or how short you could be waiting, so once were on a list anything can happen and its an exciting feeling mixed with scaryiness too. I’m trying my hardest to not have any expectations so that we are happily surprised at whatever happens through this journey but I do find myself dreaming about the day we receive the call that our baby is being born. What an amazing day it will be when we finally have our baby….

In small group the women have been going through the book “The Power of a Praying Wife”, and its been awesome! In this book we are taught as wifes the power our prayer has for our husbands. It’s been convicting at times for me to know that I have not prayed over very important areas of his life, its been eye opening for me to understand his needs, its been humbling to learn that I can’t fix everything for Darrel and its been amazing to see the growth in our marriage in the last month in a half that I’ve been praying over specific areas of his life. My absolute favorite time of the day is my morning drive to work, its my quiet time to pray and worship. And in this time I pray for Darrel, the book covers praying over his work, his finances, sexuality, affection, temptations, his mind, his fears, his purpose, his choices, his health, his protection, his trials and we are on his integrity right now. There are many more areas to pray over but in all these areas I’ve been praying for I’ve seen growth in Darrel as a husband and I’m seeing growth in me as a wife, and its really neat. And we always seem to be reading the chapters when I need to read it the most. Since we’ve moved to Idaho I think the biggest disappointment for Darrel has been his career. He loved his job in Ca., I think for many reasons, for the security it brought finicially, the people he worked with, but most of all he was fufilled in his job. We definately took for granted those years and we both feel disappointed in ourselves and how we managed the Lord’s money and blessings to us. This last year we have learned alot of lessons, lessons that needed to be learned, but now Darrels company is going through some changes and there is a possibility that Darrel will not have a job in 50 days from now. At first when he told me the news I freaked out, I called my Mom in a panick crying hysterically “why is God doing this to him to us?” then I felt embarassed of this for him and for me and then I just felt awful because I am SO proud of Darrel, he never gives up and he always keeps trying for what he wants and this is no reflection on him as a worker or a person.  And as I read the short chapter of “His Trials” the first sentences said “Everyone goes through hard times. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes our prayers help us to avoid them. Sometimes not. It’s the attitude we have when we go through them that matters most. If we are filled with anger and bitterness, or insist on complaining and blaming God, things tend to turn out badly. If we go through them with thankfulness and praise to God, He promises to bring good things despite them.” Darrel and I are going to get through whatever is thrown our way, job or no job the Lord is going to provide, He is going to carry us through, and He is going to grow both of us through this experience. I feel like satan has been attacking us recently, in big ways, because I think he knows that the Lord has big plans in store for us…he see’s the growth in our relationship with the Lord and in our marriage. So we just will continue on the path the Lord has planned out, easy or hard, He is in control.

Adoption update: Last night we went through and checked off everything we’ve done and we only have a couple more items on our list. So we are hoping to turn in our homestudy packet by the end of this week or next Monday.  We aren’t stressing over it, but it will be nice to have it all completed. We also have more hours of parenting classes that we need to complete. But we just want all the paperwork to be finished. So I think by the end of March we will have our name on the list. I’ve been emailing back and forth with a women named Christine who is also adopting and her husband and they got their homestudy packet about a month before ours, and they are getting ready in a few days to put their name on the list. So I feel like we are right on track…and before we know it will be writing that same email to everyone too!

February 12, 2004 was the 2nd most exciting day of my life, our wedding day being my first. We were living in our first home but our home was in escrow because we had bought our 2nd home in Hunter’s Ridge. Our life was really busy with just the move but on this day I felt “different” and I knew in my heart I was pregnant. So that day I went and bought a pregnancy test, hid it from Darrel…and then that night we received the most amazing news. I remember every detail of that day…Darrel was on the phone with Ryan in our office and I had whispered to him “I’m going to go take a pregnancy test right now…” He shook his head “no” and looked at me like I was crazy, but I didn’t listen…I went into our bedroom bathroom and I can remember just praying over it, then peeing on it (all the while Darrel is still on the phone) and about a minute later I looked down and saw 2 pink lines! I went into the office jumping up and down and I put the test down on the desk(trying not to make noise so Ryan wouldn’t hear me) and told Darrel “get off the phone” so he told Ryan when he saw the test “I need to call you back” he got off the phone and I jumped on him and just started to cry in pure happiness…so then Darrel says “are you sure this is right” and I said I think so, and then I sent him to the store to go buy another pregnancy test…he got back, took it and this one said “pregnant” on it….I remember us just being in complete shock.  I remember that night not sleeping a wink, I was way too excited and had already started dreaming about names and nursery ideas etc. So the next day I set up a drs. appt and because Darrel worked in sales we got in that day. I took a pee test there in the office and it came out negative, so they took a blood test and then our news was confirmed, you are pregnant, very new pregnant but you are pregnant! So we went through that day and night and then on Valentines day, I subbed and then after I was done I went to the grocery store and bought stuff to make huge heart cookies for my parents and Darrel’s parents to announce to them we were pregnant. It was so much fun making those cookies, I could barely contain myself to act “normal” when I called my parents to say we have a little Valentines gift for you, we will be stopping by and neither could Darrel. So on the cookies we put “Happy Valentines Day Grandma and Grandpa, Love Baby Gazzola”. We went over to my parents and I remember my Mom just kind of scanning the cookie quickly…then there being a long pause…then her looking down and reading it aloud and then she just started to scream and jump around saying “notta, no way, oh my gosh, oh my gosh” then calling her friends…my Dad teared up and just gave us both the biggest hugs…and Wendi was in the shower so when she got out she came into the living room and read the cookie and got teary eyed and congratulated us. It was ALL I dreamed of my whole life it being telling my family we were pregnant. It was perfect! Then we went over to Darrel’s parents and I remember the same thing…them both reading it, Reno got it right away but it took Debbie a second time to read and then Debbie started to cry and Reno just laughed and said “he knew something was up when we called to say we were dropping off a Valentines’ day gift”…and it was a really neat reaction from them too. I remember them walking us out to our car and when we were pulling away our car window was down and we both heard Debbie scream in excitement as she walked back into their house. Then we called Kristel and told her the news…then we went out to dinner with Wendi! It was an amazing few days in our lives that I look back on with happiness but obviously sadness too. It was a dream come true and we were on cloud 9! It was what I always dreamed it would be, finding out we were pregnant, annoucing it to family and friends! It’s memories that I will always cherish and remember, its just bittersweet. I still have every card, every note, every gift, the pictures of the pregnancy test every email we received, video tape from grandparents…and I always on this day and on other important days go back and look through the memories and just remember back on that very precious time we had with our baby and the memories that will forever be in my heart.

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried; Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate…And the Master so gently said “Wait.”  “Wait? you say wait?” my indignant reply. “Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word. “My future and all to which I relate hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait? I’m needing a “yes”, a go-ahead sign, or even a “no” to which I can resign. “You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe, we need but to ask, and we shall receive. And Lord I’ve been asking, and this is my cry: “I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.” Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, as my Master replied again, “Wait.” So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, and grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting for what?” He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine…and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens and darken the sun. I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.” “I could give you all you seek and pleased you would be. You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me. You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint. You’d not know the power I give to the faint. You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair, You’d  not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there. You’d not know the joy of resting in Me when darkness and silence are all you can see. You’d never experience the fullness of love, when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove. You would know that I give, and I save, for a start, but you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart. The glow of My comfort late into the night, the faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth thats beyond getting just what you ask from an infinite God who makes what you have last. You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee, what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee. Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true, but, oh, the loss, if you missed what I’m doing in you. So be silent, my child, in time you will see, that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me. And though oft My answers seem terribly late, My most precious answer of all is still…Wait!”

Yesterday I was just having “one of those days”…you know the days where you wake up in a bad mood and don’t know why? When your feeling kind of “blah”? That is the kind of day I had yesterday, so I came home and took a long hot bath, but then I got to thinking while taking my bath and just started to panick. I panicked about some work stuff, then school stuff, money stuff then adoption stuff. I started doubting in the adoption process because I had just watched a show about horror stories with adoption. So I got myself all worked up and then just said “Julie STOP, stop and pray.” so that is what I did, just started to pray for peace and guidance in ALL areas of our lives. I feel like I panicked because I don’t know where my life is going to take me…I feel like we are moving forward with things but I’m not sure where next month is going to take me, or this next year? There is just a lot of unknowns in our lives right now…alot of decisions that will need to be made, along with sacrifices to make certain things happen in our lives. And I just want to make sure we are making the right decisions at the right times. So I’m feeling a little “flustered” and quite honestly a little bummed out. I’m just bummed because this is not how I had my life planned out, and I feel like we’ve been on this rollercoaster of a ride, and I just want the ride to stop, for us to be back on our feet, and be settled into some sort of “rountine”. But I also know that worrying is sinful, it does not change anything. And I know scripture guides us to not worry about tomorrow, for we donot know if tomorrow will come…and to just remind myself that the Lord is in control, not me. So just be in prayer for us, I feel so blessed to be leading my life, its a good one, with good people in it, I also feel blessed to have Darrel to come home to every day. So just keep us in prayers as we try completing all the homestudy packet, theres alot left to do, but I just want it finished, so we can move forward to the next step. Oh, and Wendi took pictures of us and there are a few really good ones for our profile. That was fun doing that step. So the “steps” continue on…okay little person out there in this world (or maybe not yet) just know that you are in our thoughts, prayers, decisions, each and every day, we love you already and we are planning to provide you with a great life….soon all these “steps” will lead us to you, and each step as long and as hard as they have or are going to be to get to you, will be worth every “panick attack” and every tear. We pray for you daily, your Daddy and I, each night we hold each others hands and pray for our little one to be brought into our lives, and we pray until that day happens that He will take care of you and keep you safe. We already have big dreams and hopes for you and we cannot wait to hold you in our arms!

I never knew a human could sleep away a whole week, but that is just what I did, slept nonstop. I finially feel better today though, not completely but almost fully better. Went to the dr. on Thursday and he told me I had the flu (duh, knew that one) and also bronchitis, but today I feel like a million dollars compared to the last 6 days. So we are off to a day out…yeepppee!

Today is Mindy’s baby shower, I wish I could be there in California to share in that with her. She has dreamed about this day for a very, very long time and I am so happy for her that this day is here in her life. Carter is going to be a very blessed little boy to have the Mommy and Daddy he has. Its a neat thing for me to know that my friend is celebrating in this day, because for as long as she has prayed for a baby, I’ve prayed for a baby for her, and so today the Lord answered my prayers in blessing her, with a family, a baby shower and the miracle of life growing inside her.

 And today Darrel started working on his autobiography…and tomorrow Wendi is going to take pictures of Darrel and I for our profile. We have our goal date of February 12th set, so we have this weekend and next weekend to do lots of stuff.

My parents are now in Mississippi too. They bought a BEAUTIFUL home…and they are on cloud 9 so I’m very happy for them and we can’t wait to go visit.

Kind of random blogging, but I just feel happy today, happy that I feel better, happy that adoption is moving along, happy that my friend is having a baby shower, happy my parents are safe and happy in their new home, happy to be getting out of this house FINIALLLYYYY!