Our journey through adoption.

The countdown for my test has begun, only 26 short more days until I take part 1 of 2. Being really honest with myself, I donot think I’m going to pass the test, I have so much more to study and so little time. I’m going to try not to be hard on myself if I don’t pass because I will have only given myself a little over 2 months to study when normally it takes a year they say to study for this type of exam, but I know I’m going to be so disappointed if I don’t pass because that means I can’t teach…so I was talking to Darrel telling him I need to be ready for that kind of “change” in my life if I don’t pass because all I know is that I loved my job and I can’t imagine any other job that I would do, making me as happy so I need to prepare myself for the reality of that. But being even more honest, deeper down inside of me, I know that no matter what, even if I were to pass the test and continue to teach, I will be not completely happy because more than anything I hope to have a baby here in our lives…I’m ready for the ultimate change to take place, that of us becoming a daddy and mommy and to finally start our family…so I’m trying SO hard to just prepare myself for whatever “changes” are or aren’t going to take place in the next few months…and just remain patient and hopeful in the Lord’s planning.

So tomorrow we head out for a long trip to the lake…we are excited, so I won’t be blogging anytime soon after today because we have a busy night tonight of shopping, packing and yardwork, and then first thing in the morning were heading out with the dogs to the lake!

Have a happy, safe, fun 4th of July!

This song written by BarlowGirls is a Christian song that I love, and gets me through these times of “quietness” where I’m not quite sure where the Lord has me going next…

Never Alone

 I waited for You today, But You didn’t show No. No. No. I needed You today, So where did you go? You told me to call, Said You’d be there and though I haven’t seen You, Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply and I can’t feel You by my side So I’ll hold tight to what I know You’re here and I’m never  alone.

And though I cannot see You and I can’t explain why Such a deep, deep reassurance You’ve placed in my life oh We cannot separate ‘Cause You’re part of me and though You’re invisible I trust the unseen…

So I’ll hold tight to what I know You’re here and I’m never alone!

I feel like by writing this to you guys it makes me feel like I have to be “accountable” for my actions.

There are things I really have passion to do…that I feel the Lord has put in me…1) teaching and 2) interior design. These two things bring great reward to me (and of course I hope the Lord)…I loved teaching with my whole heart and plan on doing it again…but in the meantime in case I don’t pass my tests and in the meantime even if I can teach (I only will teach half/time) I would love to do interior design. When we moved up here I felt the Lord put interior design on my heart, that I could possibly start a business on my own, and really just to pursue it, because its something that brings me joy….but since we’ve lived here that has just been pushed away because we’ve been so involved with trying infertility meds to get pregnant, then adoption, me being a first year teacher…there has been NO time.  But in doing Greg and Shannan’s room, I feel the passion in my heart to REALLY go after this, pursue this while we don’t have a baby and get a business started. SO I’m going to look into several different options to see how I can pursue this and really do it this time, with passion and with heart. So I feel like I have to go somewhere with it by writing it down in writing for “all” to see, I don’t want to be flaky….so if you want to start praying for me…I want to do this…and I know the Lord has put this in my heart too…so I need to do some research…so prayers that He will direct me to sources or people who can help me, or I can help (be an assistant) etc.

Darrel is in trouble…I’m ready to finish our house now, I’ve done the basics but there is so much more to go…but I guess I’m in “trouble” cuz we don’t have a ton of money floating around to do decorating things either. UGH. Well I guess that is another reason why I need to pursue this passion of mine, so I can spend other people’s money and do their decorating

I forgot to blog about the rocking chair this morning. We got our upholstered rocking chair and it looks so cute…it definately POPS out when you go into the room, we are doing really simple walls and letting the bedding, crib and chair be the main focal point in the room..so we are both excited and happy with how it turned out. Thank you Ryan and Wendi for the special gift, means alot to us!

So maybe I can talk Darrel into painting soon…just cuz it doesn’t do the chair justice against the wall color we have in there right now? We’ll see…. I’m secretly hoping that I can talk him into it on Sunday since Sunday’s we usually just hang out at home?…if Darrel reads the blog today I know he will say really loud from our den…”nope, not doing it”…haha.

I was feeling a little bummed at the beginning of this week quite honestly, just bummed that 2 months have gone by with nothing to report on, sad about Father’s Day, sad about being stuck in front of a book or computer for hours at a time, studying…just bummed out. And I didn’t want to get too bummed out but this week I found that I need to take breaks to get outside of the house and enjoy people, enjoy the beautiful summer weather and just relax.

This week has been very busy. Greg and Shannan asked me to design their master bedroom so that was fun because I haven’t done any designing in a very long time…so I designed a very fun idea and since Tuesday Shannan and I have been going around every night shopping until late into the night, she is due with Luke in about a month so we wanted to get it all done asap…its been great to hang out with her…we use to shop ALL the time in California together and up here “life” has just got in the way and we haven’t hung just the two of us, so its been great to “catch up” with her and have girl time like the old days. On Wednesday, I went and hung out with Mindy and Carter for a short visit (he is already growing so fast)..and then  I picked up Allie and took her to Roaring Springs, a waterpark here, and she and I had a blast. She is a brave little sole…and then yesterday I was Nurse Julie because my sister had her wisdom teeth pulled out, poor thing…then shopping again all night, and didn’t retire to bed until 1:30 in the morning. So its been nice, I still do my studying, but I take breaks to enjoy myself too! So that is the “trick”…fresh air, good company and shopping, haha.

Today marks 2 months of being on the waiting list. Time, at times has gone by really quickly but for whatever reason the last couple weeks time has been going by really slow. I think that I just have more time on my hands now, with no work and sitting at home studying all the time…my mind wanders to thinking about the birthparents and the baby. When we were put on the list they gave us a time frame of 9 months is the average time you will wait to hear something, so 7 more months to go? But I’m feeling a little anxious about that time frame because in the last 2 months we’ve been on the list, not a single birthparent that matches with us has been in the office….but I also know deep down in my heart that the Lord is capable of all things and when He wants He can put a birthmom in that office whenever He desires to, that will be a perfect match with us. I don’t put anything past Him. Soooo…I know I say this alot but we just continue to pray for patience…and continue our prayers for those special people that will hopefully sooner than later become a part of our lives.

Taking my afternoon break from studying to do some updating on our blog. This blog thing is turning out to be pretty neat…and a way for many of us to stay in touch. I enjoy reading many of your blogs too…Darrel has shared our blog address with a few of his friends too, and through that they are able to keep up with him. Plus I’ve received some great emails from friends about how they are sharing my blog with their friends who are also either thinking about going through the adoption process, or have suffered through loss and infertility. On some days we get over 100 people viewing our blog, so there are others out there who I don’t even know who are reading our story, my hope is it will encourage people….and maybe I’m helping other couples who have gone through the same struggles or are going through the same journey as us to remain hopeful and look to the Lord for strength. Who knows? But I know your blogs have been a source of encouragement for me…so I only hope I can return the favor to you and others I don’t even know

Days like today, Father’s day (Mother’s Day)…days like today more than others we remember our two babies, the quietness and the “lack” of celebration we get to experience, as others do! We both wake up on these days with a “heaviness” that we both try to not speak of with each other or with others, but its there whether we “speak” of it or not. Last night I asked Darrel if he wanted to attend church today…not something we usually discuss because we love  church, but typically one of us depending on the holiday will ask the other, fully knowing what the response will be…”no..” only because the day is usually focused on the blessed people who get to call themselves a Dad or Mom. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I expereinced pregnancy, something many don’t ever experience at all, but there is a feeling of a “sharp knife” digging into my heart…because we are a Dad and Mom, just to two angels that are not here physically…but are always present emotionally. But we aren’t celebrated, nor do we celebrate these days because it hurts too much. (tears are pouring out my eyes right now as I write this blog)…one day though I know we will celebrate days like today with a baby in our arms, but I know that it will always be bittersweet because we don’t get to wake up with our two babies in our arms.

Days like today though I do celebrate my Dad… and my Heavenly Father…the Heavenly Father has blessed me with a Dad, that is nothing short of amazing in my eyes. My Dad is an incrediably humble, sensitive, loving, caring indivisual who lives his every day for the Lord. He is a man of little words, but the words that are spoken are words of kindness and gentleness! My favorite moments with my Dad have been here in Idaho on their trips to visit us… just the two of us talking about the Lord with one another…he is so wise…and the person I look to for advice, because I know the advice he gives me comes from the heart of the Lord. My Dad has prayed over me, and when he prays you can feel the Holy Spirit fill the room, its a pretty amazing…the relationship my Dad shares with the Lord. I’ve called him many times asking about where I can find a scripture…and if he doesn’t know he will spend the time looking for ones that I can go to, and will call me back with them. I just feel so blessed to be able to share this kind of relationship with him and my Heavenly Father…pretty neat!

Yesterday Darrel and I spent the day together at home in our pool…and we talked about how we can’t wait for the noise and busy “ness” a child will bring into our lives…we were saying how quiet it was (which we are taking advantage of) in the pool and how when we have a child they will be screaming “Daddy…lets play Marco-Polo, or Daddy can you help me swim…”….I cannot wait…Darrel cannot wait…and I look forward to celebrating Darrel as a father, I know he is going to be so great at it!

There are currently 25 couples on the waiting list…of the 25 couples there are 14 couples that are open to any gender, any race, etc. If a Mom doesn’t want to “choose” the adoption couple then CASI will adopt the baby to whomever has been on the list the longest (as they see a good fit).  And lastly they had 4 successful adoptions in May. So all new news…

We find ourselves just getting a little more “anxious” as the days, and now months roll on by…we hope and pray for news, sooner than later, but we rest in the timing of the Lord.

In the meantime I’ve been wanting to start doing some more things to the nursery…I was excited getting our new furniture, and our rocking chair is in the works of getting upholstered, so now I’m thinking its time to paint. Neither of us enjoy painting though, sooo we’ll see when it actually happens? Fortunately Darrel likes painting more than me and I like taping off more than Darrel, so we balance each other out there… I will take pictures of our nursery as it is now, its still neat having the furniture in there, and we have all the fabrics ready to go to have our bedding made..its going to be very cute! I’m excited for the final product and of course the baby that will enjoy it!

I’ve been hard at work studying, but today I came to the sad realization that the amount of studying I’m putting in each day (about 4-5 hours) isn’t going to cut it, I need to study much more…so now my new schedule is going to be studying in the morning (4-5 hours), taking a break for lunch and a tv show, and then studying again for a couple hours in the afternoon and a couple more hours at night UGH! NOT FUN, but necessary. I’m not sure how realistic this is for me to pass this test in July but all I can do is give it my absolute best and hope for the best.  And I know that this is the BEST time for me to study, because once we do have a baby there isn’t going to be the time to study, just no way (unless we put our baby in a daycare, which we will not do), I see it from all the mommies around me, the baby controls every part of your day…so I want to pass this test and finally finish this for good, before our baby comes.

So that is the new news, just continue to be in prayers for us, we so dream about the day we hear the most wonderful news…”were going to be a daddy and mommy to a precious baby…”

FYI this will be a long blog

Talk about spur of the moment, Darrel and I decided to head out very last minute to California to be there to celebrate Jaxon’s 1st year birthday party! One year ago I was in the delivery room with one of my closest friends Jenn, watching her give birth to her beautiful son. Now one year later Jaxon is a handsome, energectic, fun, loving, easy going little boy that was a joy to be around! And it was so neat seeing how good of parents Jason and Jenn are with him, just so natural and easy going…guess that is why he is so easy going!

To take a few steps back though…we decided on Wednesday night to leave Thursday afternoon to drive down to California. So on Thursday we headed out from Idaho at about 3pm and arrived in California at about 2:30 in the morning, drove straight through. On Friday morning we were woken up to Jaxon’s cute little voice…hung out with him…and then went and picked Debbie up to take her out to lunch for her birthday. We surprised her and it was good seeing her! Then Darrel and I did an afternoon drive together to go see our “old” houses and neighborhoods and see all the new building going on…lots of new things to see! Then we headed back and went out with Jason, Jenn and Jaxon to eat at The Hat (one of many restaurants we miss so much) and went and walked around the Victoria Gardens Mall. It was alot of fun. Headed back for a fun night of just hanging out and catching up!

Saturday was all about Jaxon since it was his 1st birthday party! It was fun spending the day getting ready for his birthday with Jason, Jenn and Marco! While getting ready in my room the 4 boys (Jason, Marco, Darrel and Jaxon) were karoking, yes karoking…they were all cracking up laughing…I couldn’t help but get a little teary eyed just because we miss these guys so much, and they have so much fun together, but I was just laughing at them the whole time…it was neat listening to them crack jokes with each other and just enjoy eachother! Then Saturday night was his birthday party so we got to see all the rest of our close friends and spent the night catching up and stayed up all night talking about “old” times. Fun, fun, fun! BUT I have to tell you I saw something I thought I would never see in my life, Darrel got “called out on the dance floor” by a 10 year old little boy for a dance off…now this is hilarious because Darrel does NOT dance but he let loose and went to town dancing, it was SO funny!

And then Sunday we all woke up (Marco too) he stayed the night and just had a lazy morning of just hanging out, went out to lunch…got Golden spoon…and then had to say our good-byes. It’s actually getting harder each time to say good-bye to our Cali. friends…Jenn and I always cry…we always get quiet a couple hours before knowing we have to say goodbye and I have to focus on NOT crying the whole time, its the worst…so we all said our goodbye’s and I got in the car and told Darrel “hurry up…” cuz I just started to bawl…its so hard and absolutely the worst part of moving to Idaho for me, having to say goodbye to those I love SO much…the first couple hours of our car ride were very quiet, Darrel would just rub my leg every once in awhile and ask “are you okay”…and I would say “no, I’m not…” we almost turned back at one point to stay one more night, and Jason and Jenn had offered to fly me home if I would stay a few more days but I felt too bad having Darrel make the long drive home by himself…we just both promised each other we will make this drive as many times as we can because we aren’t going to allow too much time to go by without spending time with all our friends! Part of the deal we made when we made the move to Idaho, to always make it a priority no matter how much or how long of a drive we have to make, to see our family and friends.

 I feel so thankful though that we get to spend these times with them…that the Lord has provided us the car, the money to make trips like these….and it does make the time spent with all of them so great, because we soak it up, knowing we won’t see each other for a little bit now! They ALL are amazing people and friends. We are SO beyond blessed to have friends that we know will be a part of our lives forever, and friends that we know would do anything for one another…even though sometimes too much time goes by without seeing them or talking to them…when we get together with them its just like “old times”…like no time has really gone by. Such a fun, memorable weekend of great laughs and great memories!

And I am so sorry because we couldn’t see some of you because it was such a short trip…we promise to see you guys sooner than later…we wish we had, had more time…we love you guys too!