Our journey through adoption.

 I check in every couple weeks through our agency…today I wrote an email just asking if there has been any birthmoms coming into the agency? She said not recently but there were 6 babies placed in the month of July and 1 of those couples was from Idaho. So that was encouraging. I also just wrote in my message that  ”I know that our time is coming and the Lord has our baby picked out for us and in His perfect timing we will meet our little one”. Our caseworker wrote back saying “It sounds like you and I share in the same faith…” and so it got us talking about our faith in an exchange of a few emails back and forth. It was important for Darrel and I that we go through a Christian agency, we were referred by another Christian agency to our agency. Our agency does not claim to be a Christian agency but we felt comfortable with our choice to use them because of the referal. So it was pretty neat, and reassuring that the person who is looking for us is a Christian women and it always neat to talk to someone about the Lord! So I feel like we are in good hands with her…

I also read this today and it gave me goosebumps because it was a story of me:

Though I enjoyed learning, I knew exactly what I wanted to do after graduation, and it didn’t have a thing to do with an advanced degree or any kind of career. I wanted to be a wife and a mother; and I had no qualms about it because this was what I had wanted long before I ever set foot on a college campus.

Even early in our marriage, my husband Bryan and I talked about when we would begin trying to start a family. We wanted to give ourselves time to enjoy early married life and grow as a couple, and we wanted to carefully consider our finances and Bryan’s schooling. When the time was right, we were thrilled that this new stage in our lives might be just around the corner, and we were equally as devastated when infertility seemed to take that dream away from us.

That summer, I spent several weeks with my nieces and nephews, who ranged in age from six weeks old to six years old. One night, my infant niece was crying, and I walked her and comforted her until she fell asleep. I was watching the two of us there in the reflection of the den window when God whispered something in my ear. There were no angels and trumpets, no visions, no thunder, no handwriting on the wall. Only me, a softly snoring baby, a ticking mantle clock, a dim old lamp, panes of smudged glass, and the comfortable feeling of being at home.

In that moment, I felt overcome with a feeling that, in the reflection of the window, I was looking at a glimpse of my future. I felt with a calm, though unexpected, certainty that God was showing me myself as He meant for me to be. He was talking to me about my calling. Despite my earlier struggles with infertility, despite my commitment to a happy life without children, despite my fears of future disappointments, I knew I was still called to be a mother. This was an important realization, but it was still unclear to me how that was supposed to come to pass.

The next day, I played with my three-year-old nephew in our neighbor’s swimming pool. We laughed and talked, and I remember how wonderful it felt just to hold him up in the water. He was completely unaware that I was soaking in his innocence and joy–his simply being alive–his simply being precious to me. Little did I know that I was learning the final lesson in what I now know to be my preparation for adoption.

In a moment of complete clarity, I thought I could take this child home right then and love him as my very own for the rest of my life. He was not my biological child, and it did not matter. I remembered words from Douglas McGrath’s recent adaptation of Charles Dickens’ novel, Nicholas Nickleby:

In every life, no matter how full or empty one’s purse, there is tragedy. It is the one promise life always fulfills. Thus, happiness is a gift, and the trick is not to expect it, but to delight in it when it comes, and to add to other people’s store of it … What did these people do when their families shrank? They cried their tears, but then they did the vital thing. They built a new family, person by person. They came to see that family need not be defined merely as those with whom they share blood, but as those for whom they would give their blood.

Though my journey through infertility to adoption has been mysterious, I am able to claim with confidence: I want a child to love. I want to share my life with a child. This is my calling!

Pretty neat story and really what has happened inside my heart through the love I feel for our newhews and neices and even my students last year, the story of her rocking her niece to sleep, playing with her newphew in the pool..wow, it just was exactly the stories I would tell, times I’ve experienced with them and the love you feel for them…it does not matter if I give life to this child through me, it only matters that I share my life with a child. My calling is to be a mommy!

Tomorrow Greg and Shannan will have a new little boy, Luke! I talked to Shannan today, she of course put me first because she is so caring and just asked how I was feeling, I told her I’m feeling depressed and am just having a hard time right now, she just shared a scripture with me and just said “Jul, the Lord has something else in store, He is going to bless you, watch and see” , …so after talking about me, we started to talk about tomorrow, she is giving birth tomorrow. It’s so crazy because I realize how perfectly the Lord plans things in our lives and puts certain people in our lives for many reasons. Greg, Shannan and Emma and soon Luke are a reminder of that…we moved next door to them in our 2nd home in California. We didn’t instantly become friends but soon after we had moved there, we had lost our first baby and the day after they had left us a book called “book of hope” and a sympathy card…and that is how our friendship started. Shannan helped me alot through that…then soon after  they got pregnant…and then it was all over because Shannan and I would go shopping every day almost and if we didn’t shop together we would just hang out..then the guys started to become friends when they began an outdoor project together, then we started to play shanghi every night, and I’m not kidding every night. And the rest is history, we started to talk about moving and they had said they were thinking about moving out of state too, we invited them to come with us on a trip to check out Idaho, they came, liked it, her parents soon went on a trip to Idaho, loved it, then soon after that we were moving to Idaho all together. Crazy. And now they are giving birth to Luke, we can’t wait to meet him and see who he looks like. When Emma was born she looked EXACTLY like Greg, so it will be fun to see who Luke looks like! It’s neat to watch their family growing and we consider them our family too, so “our” family growing. Another little guy to love and watch grow! Her and Greg are great parents, so its a joy to know that little guy will be born into a loving home! And I know Emma is going to make a great big sister!

Okay, I have to start from last nights conversation I had with Darrel for you to understand fully the shock I felt today! Last night as we layed in bed, Darrel said “I think you will pass with a score of 287″ (fyi: 285 is passing score) and I jokingly said “watch I will not pass with a score of 283″ so Darrel’s thinking I will pass with  just 1 more answer right and my joke, I would not pass with 1 too little answers right. So today, as I clicked the “End Test” button on the computer, I felt this confidence come over me that I had passed. I went to the bathroom and came back out and the lady said “your scores are printed, you can review them now!” the envelope said “Julie” on it so I went outside to the car, opened the envelope and the first thing I see is 285, so my heart started to pump with joy…then I see score:283 with Fail next to it. It took me a minute to realize that I failed by just 1 question short. 1 more question right and I would have passed…but what I had said last night in joking became my reality. I instantly felt sick, and my breath was taken out of me, best way to explain it, I felt like I got punched in my stomach and stabbed in my heart. I called Darrel and told him “you are not going to believe this, I didn’t pass by 1 question and I got a score of 283″ he kind of laughed thinking I was kidding him because of the conversation the night before and he said “your kidding right?”..”no I’m not kidding and then I just started to bawl…” SO FINAL TEST SCORE 283 1 question shy of passing, 1 question! I cried the whole way home, it was probably the 2nd worst and longest drive I’ve ever done.

I just told Darrel I feel like we get so close to our dreams and then they are taken away, we actually experience them too. My dreams are to be a mom and to teach! We get pregnant and experience the thrill of being pregnant and then the Lord takes our baby home to Him, we get pregnant the 2nd time and experience the hope again, then our baby is taken home to Him..I teach for a year and feel a confirmation that I’m meant to be a teacher…I take a test and because of 1 question I can’t teach next year.  The drive home was a long one…I wish in a way that I had failed miserably, then it wouldn’t feel like I was so close, on the second hand I feel a sense of accomplishment that I was so close, just 1 more question, that is it…I feel like I did it, and that is what hurts so badly, that I did it, I studied my butt off, I dedicated myself completely to this test, I passed in my heart, 1 question shouldn’t keep me from teaching next year, but it is! So tonight I have a heavy, sad heart, but in a way a sense of “pride” in myself that I did pass, a single quetion more I would have techically passed but I did do my best! So thank you so much for the prayers…keep them going. I have to wait 1 month to take the test again so my plan of action is to continue to study for the next month and take the test once again in a month from now. I’m not giving up on my dream to be a mom and a teacher! I’m not giving up that the Lord has plans in store for me,  for both these things in His pefect timing!

Last night is one of the worst nights of sleep I’ve had ever, (if I even call that sleep) and this morning when the alarm did go off I was actually sleeping so I woke up in a haze and while in my haze I started to try studying while I was still droggy, and started to freak out because I wasn’t getting things clear. So I woke up in a panick ran downstairs and started staring at my Math notes, everything was “foreign” to me, so I started to cry and at this time Darrel came downstairs saw me crying asked what was wrong and then talked me through the math once more. I swear I’m not usually a basketcase like this, and honestly I don’t usually cry unless there is something to really cry over…stress is not a fun thing and does funny things to your body (my body is all out of whack) and mind. I think at this point I’m beyond physically and mentally tired and will probably feel a sense of relief no matter the outcome today..just knowing I will get a good nights sleep and if I don’t pass can take my time in studying. I also received a couple more encouraging emails this morning saying “be confident in yourself, go into this confident…” after my panicking, I felt sick and already have thrown up once, (sorry that is gross) so Darrel, as you can see has been my coach, said “Jul, relax…take a deep breath, go take a shower and relax yourself, then start studying with a calm mind” He also said I’m not a crazy lady cuz I said I don’t feel like myself, he said “if I were in your shoes I would be feeling the same way…” but he has continuously reminded me that “the Lord is in control, and whatever the outcome today we will figure it out together with the guidance of the Lord”… writing has always been something that has been calming, and a way to release my feelings, so even after taking the couple minutes to write this blog, I feel a tiny, tiny bit better and calmer…so now I just need to take more time to calm myself, pray and go into this testing knowing I know what I know….bye for now! I will post whether I pass or not tonight when I get home…

I’ve been studying non stop for the last few days, today Darrel took off the day to help me study all day long, he is so sweet! I only cried a couple times today so far, the stress is really getting to me. But I realize that its not the end of the world if I don’t pass, just means I will figure out something to do until I do pass the test. I also realize that I’ve worked as hard as I could to pass this test, and go in knowing I’ve given it my best shot with the time I’ve had. Will it be terribly sad if I don’t pass, yes, I will probably need a couple days to cope with the disappointment, but life always goes on…and it will go on and I will try my best again in the future…if I pass, I can’t tell what kind of relief that will bring to me, its been a long 5 years of so many flips and flops, and unexpected things that my schooling has been put on the back burner in preparation to be a mommy, twice, and with adoption…that this is my time to finish this once and for all, so I pray the once and for all is tomorrow for this test, it will be done forever…we’ll soon see…I’m having mixed feelings about finding out my test results tomorrow, it will be good to know so I don’t wonder, but it will make everything so final as far as what I will be doing for the next year of my life as far as working tomorrow too, so we’ll see, just have to pray the Lord carries me, no matter the outcome. So pray that I will use critical thinking skills, that I can add 1+1 right, I have big issues with Math…and that I will just be able to get the nerves out of me and concentrate…and not get frantic if I don’t recognize something…thank you all for the text, emails and ecards today, you all are amazing supports in my life!

I feel like I’m losing my mind…last night I had a meltdown (test related) but always at the core of my meltdowns is the adoption/baby thing too, because I think if “we had our baby right now, I wouldn’t be studying right now for a test that I need to pass to work, type thing. So a good cry is what I needed and what I got. Really though, it is because there is SO much to know for this darn test, I know 6th graders are not studying trig. for a fact, so why I am being tested on Trig. I don’t know? I have never been good at math either, its always been a bad subject for me, so to learn math and hard math in a matter of months..and now only 4 days seems impossible to me. Darrel has been so encouraging, helpful and positive with me through all this, but last night I think he was a little or should I say alot concerned, when he started to quiz me and I wasn’t remembering facts…so he had a bit of a “meltdown” that started my “meltdown”…cuz I think he now sees that I have alot more left to learn, ALOT ! We were in the pool when the meltdowns began, he was quizing me out there…and I got out and just ran into the house and started to bawl…but after a big hug from Darrel and lots of tears I feel somewhat better. Four more days to go…just cont. to pray for me please!

I’ve been at work studying, with an uneventful weekend and not much to look forward to for the next 6 days until my test, I thought I could use a break, so yesterday Darrel and I went to the Extreme Makeover home. We got to see the builder turn over the keys to Ty, Paige, Paul, and Eduardo…and we got to see how it really works. It was pretty neat and pretty funny because the beauty of tv is you see the edited version. Darrel and I got to stand in 100+ degree weather and sweat like crazy while they did retake after retake after retake! But it is like they show on TV where once they do receive the key the trucks pull up and volunteers along with the cast unload until everything is done! We got to see them all very close, I forgot my camera and so Darrel took a few pictures on his cell for me but he said “their just people Julie”…I said I know but still, its pretty cool seeing them in person, guys don’t care as much as girls about stuff like that. The house is very country and fits in perfectly, I really like it. I think sometimes they go too “extreme” with the homes sometimes and the homes they build often stand apart in a not so good way, this one fits in with its surrounding, its qaint (big) but qaint, has a wrap around porch, simple landscaping…what you would imagine an Idaho farmhouse looking like, so I really like it alot! You wouldn’t drive by it and say wow, that is amazing…but simplicity is what most homes in Idaho are like, which I like, so I think its neat they kept the “feeling” of Idaho in it! So that was fun until I got onto the shuttle (they shuttle everyone up to the site) and realized as we were driving away I had forgotten my purse..oh my gosh, I felt like I was going to throw up the whole way back…Darrel was freaking out…so I stayed on the shuttle to go back up while Darrel waited at the high school to see if anyone had brought it back with them…on my way back up I was just praying that my purse would be there and that if it was it wouldn’t take me forever to get back to Darrel (there were LOTS of people) so when we pulled up I saw my purse in the exact place I had left it (honest Idaho people), phew, and then I got off and got right back into line, missed the 1st shuttle and then was the last person to be able to get on the 2nd shuttle…so the Lord answered both my prayers…overall it was a stressful hour, but when I got back to the high school, I just poked my head out of the window, smiled at Darrel, and we were good after that! So fun night…but now I’m back to studying, ugh. Please continue to pray, only 6 more short days until the day I have been preparing for now for 2 long months…I’m proud of myself for my commitment, I just hope it pays off how I want it to, by passing of course, but if not I know I will be extremely sad, but I will be able to say, “I did my best” and I will continue to study and try again!

This show is one of my favorite shows, we tivo it every sunday and I swear that I’ve cried (and at times sobbed) every time I watch it. And though he won’t admit to it, Darrel gets teary eyed almost every time too. I can’t help but feel “guilty” in a sense of how I more times than not forget how blessed I am, how blessed I am to be healthy, to live the life I live, in the home I live it in, for our jobs and countless other things….just makes you take a second look at yourself. Just the other day Darrel came home and told me that while at work he heard struggling in the MRI room, so he went in there, and there was a man in his 40’s in a wheelchair who was having a hard time moving from his wheelchair onto the MRI machine. So Darrel along with a couple other people went in to help this man move…he was paralyzied in a car accident from his neck down just a few years ago…Darrel talked to him for awhile and said he was a “really cool guy”…and Darrel just said “it makes you realize how easy we’ve got it in comparison…”  SO I’m SO excited because the show is here in the town over from ours doing a home for a family of 6. So this weekend we are going to go watch them build this home, and on Wednesday I hope to go watch the “reveal”…its always makes me cry and gives me goosebumps watching it on t.v. I can’t imagine what it will be like to be there in person…I’m so excited! Plus I’ve always had a little “crush” on Ty haha. So I thought it was pretty neat that they are within a few miles from here, and again its just a reminder that there are people so close to home that need people to love, support, and help them!

I decided this morning I could start studying an hour late, I’ve been so diligent on starting at 9am and not stopping until about 10pm at night that I figured I could give myself a little break this morning and actually get up, clean a little bit and eat breakfast NOT in front of the computer Last night I had a little bit of a meltdown, just because you never want to go into something not feeling “good” about the outcome, and that is how I feel, like this is just too soon for me to take this test, but I promised Darrel (and the Lord) I would do my best, give it a try and trust in the Lord’s outcome for me. I have not been sleeping good because as I’m lying in bed I have a thousand things running through my head, math, history, definitions, names of historical figures…I guess I’m afraid if I don’t keep repeating them that in the morning I will wake up and forget everything but last night I finally got a decent nights rest and then of course I have this amazing dream…

I’ve had some pretty real dreams since we’ve been on the adoption waiting lists…last night I had another. What is unusual in my dreams though is that in my dreams I’m praying its not a dream that I’m dreaming about this baby. Does that make sense? Somehow I’m still hoping I’m not dreaming, even in my dreams. Each time I have a dream about a little boy, last night was no exception, he was in his car seat and I was playing with him, just kept putting my face really close to his and making funny noises and he was just smiling away…and in my dream I was praying I wasn’t dreaming, that this time I would wake up to this little boy I keep having dreams about! He is so real and he looks the same every time…he has dark olive skin, dark brown hair, pretty blue eyes, he looks kind of like Darrel but not like either of us really and he is always smiling. He is wearing a blue outfit each time too…so I don’t read into dreams, because dreams are just dreams…I just pray that one day soon that I will finally wake up to the reality that I want with all my heart, our baby!

The weather here is so pretty, and unfortunately I’m stuck inside the house in front of a computer…but last night I was going stir crazy so Darrel took me on a drive just to get me out, which helped. And Darrel is jumping in the pool right now and then he is going to become Professor Darrel and try to teach me math, big obstacle he faces. I just checked a blogging website that was given to us as an option to record our adoption journey, there are 2 couples on there that are from here and adopting through CASI so I just usually go straight to their blogs and don’t “mind” the rest. Most of the couples that are blogging through this site are adopting through China or Vietnam, so for whatever reason Ive felt like they aren’t going through the same experience as us, but today I just opened one up to read about their journey and I read their amazing experience. This couple actually is still in China where just a couple days ago they received their 2 year old little girl. It’s pretty amazing, reading about when they met her, how she is slowly warming up to them, but sadly in China many of the babies receive no physical contact for much of their lives, she is most comfortable not being touched, she will actually stop crying if they lye her in her crib and walk away, and if they try to approach her she begins to scream and become distraught…I can’t imagine but just in the few days they’ve had her, she is letting them hold her, she is smiling (there is beautiful pictures of her smiling in their arms) and is beginning to become comfortable with her new Daddy, Mommy, Sister and Brother…and the blogs talk about how humbled they feel that the Lord has chosen them to love this little girl. It brought me to tears and gave me goosebumps from head to toe reading through their journey…they arrive home on Saturday with her…so then I began to read a bunch of other blogs, and I realize though their process is different, our hearts, hopes, fears, and obstacles are very much the same, and it was a great sense of encouragement to read about what the Lord does in people’s hearts when they meet their children for the first time…the immediate assurance these parents feel that the Lord has so perfectly planned out for this child to be a part of their lives, and the love they feel already. That is a fear I have, that maybe our baby is going to sense that he/she isn’t with their real mommy…that I won’t bond with him/her the way I think I should or as fast as I should…I know from experience though that when I’ve met Allie, Emma, Jordan, Jaxon, Andrew, Carter and soon Luke (all in order from when they were born) that I felt immediate love, so I don’t fear not loving them, I just fear the bonding part…but I know even with mom’s that give birth to their babies, it takes a little bit for them to bond, to know their children’s personality’s so I think I just have to know that it will take a little bit of time, and that is natural…after reading the few blogs I did though, I see so clearly how perfect the Lord is in bringing the specific baby/ child into the specific families that He desires them to be in…I cannot wait for our “Gotcha day” what in adoption terminology is refered to the day we meet our baby…I cannot wait to meet the little person who is already so loved by us, I cannot wait to learn about his/her personality, what will make them happy, what they will be like, what kind of sounds and coos and smile they will have…what joy that baby is going to bring to us, and we pray we will bring to them. I can hardly wait…