Our journey through adoption.

My parents once again have blessed us with a gift, they daily lift us up in prayers, their commitment to prayer has been the greatest gift of all to Darrel and I! But they also spoil us and have bought our baby’s mattress and protective mattress covers…today we received the mattress..my Mom did a bunch of research on the best and safest mattress, and lets just say our baby will be extremely comfortable

Little by little pieces of the nursery are coming together, and I can’t help but hope that things are coming together because the Lord is piecing all His plans for us together and that soon we will be blessed with the final piece of this puzzle, a baby. We cannot wait, some days we feel we are about to burst because we feel like we can’t wait another day to “know” what is in store…and on other days we patiently and quietly wait. As more and more baby things are making their way in our home, it feels more and more real that we are planning for a baby. This journey we’ve been on to start our family has been a journey of “little by little” moments it seems, some days we only have strengh to get through that day, and other days we can see into the “future” and see that all these little moments will end in the big moment of meeting our precious baby. “our little one, you are already a part of our life and our heart, and other’s dreams and prayers, we know without doubt that the Lord has us doing little things to prepare for you because He knows we will be meeting you one day, we know that this is just a part of the journey He has planned for us and the most precious journey will be the one we live with you in it, and when we meet you and hold you, when you are finally sleeping under our roof, we promise that each night we will pray over you, and thank the Lord for putting so perfectly together all the pieces He needed to be together little by little, step by step…so we would have you, the one He has known all along would be the one we are suppose to love and care for.”

 This blog has been such a blessing for us, its a part of our baby’s story, a chapter in their life that we want them to understand and a chapter in our life that we never want to forget…..a chapter that the Lord prepared for Darrel and I, and him/her…seperate lives coming together to make our family and the little pieces that came together and the steps He had us go through, to fufill His plans of joining our hearts together.

This past weekend we went to a concert our church was doing at a local movie theatre and I couldn’t help knowticing all the pregnant ladies and babies we have in our church right now…and anywhere I go, I feel like I’m surrounded by “them”…at times it hurts and at other times I just have to laugh. Pregnancy is a common thing obviously…and many of our friends/family are our same age so its just that time in life where people are starting their families…but I swear I can’t escape, not just for a minute. Today I went to our local library to study for my test, without distraction, well guess what, babies and pregnant mommies there too…babies crying, mommies talking….I’ve told myself that when we have a baby and I’m sitting in the OBGYN office for check ups or whatever, I will always be aware of “those women” around me, who are me right now, looking around and wishing they were in the shoes of the pregnant ladies…I never want to forget the journey we are still in now, to get our baby, or forget how it feels, how lonely and sad it is to be the one women sitting in a medical office surrounded by a bunch of pregnant women…I never want to be unsensitive to the many couples who face infertility…who feel leff out of something that is so easy and natural for most women/couples…I just hope that when our day comes that we do have a chance to be a part of “parent” conversations…or whatever else parenthood brings… that I will always be aware of who is around me……so I pray that part of the reason that we’ve been on this journey is to be able to help others..or bless others with sensitivity…

On a different note…no new, news on the adoption front. My mom has become friends with a women who is adopting through our agency…she is blogging too, I don’t really check up on her that much, because I usually get updates through my Mom…today that they got a call…a married couple gave birth to a baby girl in Texas yesterday and are ready to terminate their rights…so they are being shown tomorrow…along with 3-5 other couples…if chosen they will be on a plane probably tomorrow to go meet their little girl…so be praying for her if you read this blog…they were put on the list on the exact same date as us..however they are adopting out of state and trans-racial so its happening much quicker for them…but still its neat, and comforting to know that our adoption agency is working for us couples…and one day we will receive the call they received today…and hopefully they will receive the final call tomorrow that they have been chosen…how amazing though to see things in action…to think they may be on that plane tomorrow…

The other day while at Walmart with my sister, we were looking at clothes for Allie and I went over to the baby section as usual…this is something I do alot but with reservation. It’s different being in the process of adoption, because literally today could be the day we get a call…or it could be awhile more of waiting…so what do we do in the meantime? Well on this particular day Wendi happened to find a pack of 5 onesies in unisex design (by the way if anyone is interested in clothing design you could make a forture off of making cute unisex clothes without putting typical yellow/green/ducks/animals themes on them)! well the pack was on sell for $4.00 so Wendi convinced me to buy them…I fought hard…but she won. We have many family and friends asking us “when are you going to start buying the necesarry things?…you really should start thinking about it” but Darrel and I, have our “defense” mechanisms up and we have been guarded to get too excited about anything because we could be waiting much longer.

However, we realize that we are not in the typical situation, we do need to get things and we do need to be prepared just as if we were going through a pregnancy…our waiting time is our pregnancy…and so we have arrived at the conclusion it is time to start preparing for our baby that will at some point be arriving.. and I have to say its been ALOT of fun to start looking and we have gone a step further and registered at Target and Babiesrus. We are doing it in the comfort of our home (online registry), and so far we have only put some of the more “necassary” items on the list, well I’m fibbing we’ve put on some fun things too, like a diaper bag for Darrel (he doesn’t know I did this and he would be upset if he knew…not really upset, but I know he would insist on me taking it off, haha, but I registered for a pink camoflauge bag and got him a green camoflauge bag…Darrel LOVES camo, so I figured he will like a dude diaper bag and I figured I would get myself  one too in camo..shhh it will be our secret).  The registries are our personal checklist of things we need to purchase between now and when we get “the call” and if by chance if we get “the call” and have not bought everything, Wendi and Ryan will have a list to be able to hurry out to the stores and buy everything left over, while Darrel and I head to the hosptital…..we may go through a whole pregnancy with the birthmom, we may not, so we need to be prepared for either situation. So its been neat to start preparing, its cool having little itty bitty clothes in our baby room to go look at, knowing one day there will be a little person wearing them…its fun…and its part of our journey through adoption… (oh one last thing I really appreciated as a adoptive parent..BabiesRus had the option of putting adoption in the information, it asked “Are you pregant or are you adopting?” that was neat that they “recognize” that people aren’t only registering because they are pregnant…but also people are registering as future parents of adoption..” Each day that passes is a day closer to our baby…and each step we make to prepare for our little one is a step further in our adoption journey.

Last night Jimmy, Mindy, and Carter invited us over for dinner and to hang out. (by the way Carter is growing so quickly and is so much fun to play with!) Mindy had recorded a tv program following 2 birthmom’s and the 2 adoptive families they had chosen through the entire process of adoption and 3 years later. It began by the birthmom’s finding out they were pregnant (1 birthmom was a sohpmore in high school, the other 18 years old and starting college) both birthfathers were not wanting to be a part of raising the babies. Both birthmom’s had decided early on that they were not ready to provide their babies with the support they deserved without putting high levels of stress on themselves, the baby and their families (grandparents). So it followed them through the journey of going to drs appts., looking through profiles, choosing and meeting the adoptive couples…giving birth to their two little girls, the minutes, hours and days after giving birth to their babies and the wide emotions they felt, the babies grandparents etc. Then it shows the day they terminate their rights to their baby (that process) and the day they give their babies to the couples they have chosen. After going through the journey of that it meets back up with the birthmom’s 3 years later to ask “Do you still feel you made the right decision?”…as well it met back up with the adoptive couples and shows where their lives are with their babies. The program was as real as real gets, Mindy and I both were in tears as we watched it…I had goosebumps/chills running through me at many different moments. I’ve said it many times, and I will say it many more times…birthmoms are brave, courageous, loving and doing the MOST selfless act I think humanly possible to do. The birthmom’s in this program obvioulsy love their babies as much as any other Mom does…but in their hearts they are making the decision to give their baby a life they cannot provide, a life full of oppurtunity that they cannot give them, and they love their baby’s so much that they want nothing less than that for their baby’s. It was amazing to see these teenagers make such grown-up, loving decisions. When their babies are born, it was bittersweet for everyone, grandparents, family, them…they show the tears and grief that these birthmoms and their families go through, the grandparents holding their grandchild, knowing that within days they will be seperated from them…the fathers of the birthmom’s just crying saying “my baby gives birth to my grandbaby…but I know that its the right decision…but it hurts so deeply…” and it shows the one father giving his grandbaby a kiss on the forehead as the adoptive father is holding her, him leaving the room and having to just kneel down and cry and grieve for his loss..he said “I know that the floodgates of emotions will be released from my daughter when we leave here and I will be there for her, to love and support her”……and it shows the birthmoms walking empty handed out of the hospital…it was heartwrenching, powerful, sad and many, many more words…I can’t completely understand the emotions of birthmoms but I feel I can relate closely because of the losses of our babies…I don’t think that there is worse grief than losing your own flesh and blood, the life you created…the pain, grief is undescriable, there are not words to describe it…so as I saw the tears of the birthmoms falling I can understand what their hearts are feeling…and because I can understand that, I feel I understand on an even deeper level what strength and ultimate sacrifice these birthmoms are making, is from nothing but the deepest love a person can feel…the love of their child! They are making the the most selfless choice any women can possibly make….there are no words to sum up the admiration and respect I have for them. The show follows the adoptive couples too…one couple I wasn’t really connecting with, just different and almost felt disconnected from the experience…the other couple though faced years of infertility, and were just so honored and blessed to have been chosen. They I feel understood what the birthmom was sacrificing…and they were so sensitive to her, her family and just KNEW what a gift it was that they were receiving…in that room when the birthmom was handing over the baby to the adoptive mom, the adoptive mom just had tears running down her cheeks and said “you are wonderful and amazing…thank you…”. I only hope that I do get the chance to tell the birthmom that she is my hero…and that I think she is amazing…and thank her from the deepest part of my heart…”. It was pretty amazing wathcing the program…lots of raw, real emotions! 3 years later the birthmoms and grandparents still think about their baby, love their baby…but both said they have peace they made the right decision! Just gave us a glimpse of what is to come….I know that Darrel and I will…well I’m not sure how to describe what we will be…how do you put into words the prayer of wanting to be parents, being answered…so beyond blessed when we hold our child in our arms for the first time…but I think becaouse of our losses, we understand the loss that the birthmom will be feelings…so it will be bittersweet…the promise we’ve made though to the Lord and to our birthmom through our profile…is that our prayers will be lifted up daily for her to the Lord, in thankfulness, in love, in humbleness and that the Lord bless her through her life.

We have been on the waiting list for four months now. Deep long sigh. I’m trying my best to stay positive but I have to say that in the last month my heart and patience has taken a beating. Me not passing my test to be able to teach this year has not helped, tomorrow teachers are due back for work and instead I will be going back to my classroom to pack up, so the new teacher can begin to prepare for her class, which with all my heart I wish was “my” class. I understand deep down that its not in the Lord’s plans for me to teach there, but it still hurts. I was telling my Dad and Mom this week that I am feeling like I can’t take this waiting for too much longer, if I could, I wish I could sleep until the day the Lord has planned for us to meet our baby, then it wouldn’t hurt so much. It’s been 5 years of waiting… I don’t like to feel like this and I certainly try not to show my feelings to others when I feel like this, but I’m tired, emotionally and I feel this heavy weight over me…in times like this, I wish I could say its easy for me to run to the Lord, but that isn’t always the truth, its in times like this that I allow myself to question Him, but then I go back to Him begging Him for forgiveness for ever doubting in His plans, because He is so faithful. I’m not clear as to what His plans are for me in the near future, whether I will pass my test and teach elsewhere or whether I will find another job, I’m not sure whether I will be a mommy anytime soon…I’m not quite sure what is in store, whether we will wait another 4 months or even longer to hear the words we are praying to hear on the other end of our phone…I don’t know, but I trust that in this time where I don’t have the strengh to go on each day on my own…that He is carrying me…and I trust that He has put so clearly in both Darrel and I’s hearts that we are going in the right direction, even if to us and our human understanding things don’t make sense and are not easy and at times I do want to give up, I don’t want to run away from the road I know is the Lord guiding us to, its not been an easy road…adoption is not easy….waiting is not easy….it takes strength that I know I wouldn’t have unless I had the Lord in my heart, confirming to me through His word, through others, through prayer that we are to continue down this path…and trust not in our own understanding, not in our own strength but in His!

We got back from our trip to Mississippi on Monday…it was so much fun to see my parents and see where they live! The pictures they had sent of their home did not do it justice…their home is absolutely beauitiful! Ms. was neat too, we did and saw alot in the short visit, had lots of laughs and overall a great trip! We already have the countdown beginning when they will be here in Idaho though, I told them I feel “envious” of all our friends who have their parents living here with them, so I as much as Ms. is a great place for them to live…I want them here with me!

It’s been 3 weeks since I failed my test…I took 1 week off to rest and since then we’ve been busy with trips to the lake, Ms., the lake again this weekend…so last night Darrel and I discussed all our different options on how to continue on from here. I have scheduled at this point to take both tests in the next 2 weeks, but in talking with Darrel I feel this enourmous time pressure once again to pass and for what? I already can’t teach next year for my school, so I told him I want to make sure this time I’m ready, and I don’t want to have a time deadline…I need to go when I feel I’m ready to go, however I donot want to allow too much time to go by because I do have all this “stuff” in my memory right now! At the same time, money is a concern, I do receive one last paycheck for this month, and then after this month its back to nothing, and honestly I do miss working, I donot enjoy sitting at home all day long, its not as fun as it may sound, it gets boring very fast…so I want to work again and soon…so our gameplan is for me to take both test in September (come September if I feel I need more time I will take that time)…and in the meantime I will be doing my hardcore studying again for the next month and a half…and looking for a job. So that is the plans for me, to study, study, study and try again and in the meantime if any job oppurtunities become available I will take it and once I pass my test we will move on from there!

As far as adoption, no new news to report on. We continue to pray and hope that one day soon our prayers will be answered and we will be parents!

Tomorrow morning we are heading out with Ryan and Wendi to visit my parents in Ms. We are excited because this is our first time seeing where they live, their new home, etc. and of course we are most excited about seeing them! They have a full weekend of plans made, and some great BBQ food places we are going to go eat at…fun, fun, and more fun!  And once we get back we only have a short month left of summer weather, then Fall begins at the end of September (my favorite months here in Idaho are September and October) then a switch turns on winter at the end of October…so we have big plans to enjoy every last second of Summer..then Fall…then Winter will be upon us again! And once we return I have to start digging into the books again hardcore to try to pass my tests…so I’m going to be soaking up these last few days of fun…so have a good few days everyone! Will check back in next week when we return home!

I added pictures of our nursery furniture and fabric, under albums go to family and under family is our nursery pictures. We haven’t done anything to it as far as painting, design, etc.  I also need to take a picture of the chair that Wendi and Ryan did for us and upload that as well. Some of you have been asking to see it, so its there now

I think we may actually wait until we have our baby to do anything more to it…the fabric we picked out can go either way, boy or girl, but I definately want the room to look girl if we have a girl, or boy if we have a boy and we have different ideas for both, so its hard because I don’t want it to look like a neutral room really. I know from seeing family and friends have their babies that the baby doesn’t even hang out in the nursery until later anyways, so I don’t think there is a big rush to have it completed before they are born. The problem we would probably run into is finding the time after we had a baby to complete the nursery but I think we can manage, or Darrel could manage, haha, it may get me out of the painting and stuff…hmmm, sounds like a good plan to me. Obviously we need to have the bedding done etc. so he/she could take naps in the crib…but even that could wait until after because most likely the baby will be sleeping in their bassinet, right next to their mommy who will definately be taking naps when he/she takes naps, not going to pretend I will be doing otherwise, haha! So have fun looking…

Darrel and I’s 7 year wedding anniversary is today! We had a WONDERFUL time celebrating yesterday…we went to a beautiful Victorian hotel! We were both anxious I think to see what our room would be like because all the rooms are decorated differently, but we got this amazing room: classy, homey and romantic! Every little detail was perfect and more than what we hoped for.. we are excited to make this our new anniversary tradition! We went to a little pizza place and ate pizza for dinner, then went back and watched movies, they serve homemade cookies and milk at the hotel at 8pm so we set our alarm so we wouldn’t miss those, we had a awesome breakfast this morning ( I was served breakfast in bed) and I slept like I haven’t slept for like ever, the bed was perfect…we both woke up in great moods and feel so blessed to be able to have oppurtunities like these to get away! We lyed in bed this morning and talked about all the special times we’ve had so far in our marriage and talked about all the special times we know are yet to come.We are so rested, and I am so thankful to the Lord for the amazing husband He has blessed me with and that we are still going strong after 14 years of being together (7 years of dating before marriage)! We of course have our flaws and our “moments”…but our marriage is I think is pretty close to perfect I couldn’t ask for more…I have a husband who makes his life about making me happy, that loves me despite my imperfections, who still laughs at me, still talks in his baby voice to me, still holds my hand, who is devoted to doing his best, who is a strong, determined man who never gives up, who loves with all his heart…he can be outspoken and competitive, haha, but he is a good hearted, faithful man…couldn’t ask for anyone more perfect to be side by side with in life! So I’m not trying to be concieted, just happy and proud of the marriage we have built and I give all the credit to the Lord who has tied us together….