Our journey through adoption.

Where do I even begin? I guess at the beginning and work my way to the end. Friendship is the greatest gift anyone can receive, friendship is family and our friends are our family, so they aren’t seperated in my book. Throughout this road to start a family, I’ve learned the importance of what it means to have friends, and to be a friend. As we’ve been on this journey we’ve always known that our friends were alongside us, at times it seems they were one step ahead of us, or one step behind us, but always right there. When times were good, they were alongside us, celebrating with us…when at times it was too hard for us to look ahead to even a minute more, they were ahead of us, extending their hand out to us…cheering us on, and when we couldn’t move forward they were behind us, pushing us forward.

I know that without each of you in my life, I wouldn’t be where I am today or the person I am today. We’ve received an overflowing amount of love and support throughout our journey from each of you.  You have been consistent, faithful, truthful, caring, hopeful, forgiving, loving, understanding, patient and encouraging. I share different friendships with each of you, but in it all there is one thing in common, love!

I can’t say thank you enough or have the right words to tell you what it means to me to know that you are praying, anticipating, and preparing us for a baby and preparing your hearts to love our baby.

Drumrole please…..today our door knocked twice, one knock was for mystery person number 1 who I wrote about in our blog yesterday. Our awesome Snuggle Nest bed, Jimmy, Mindy and Carter sent it to us. And then our door knocked again, mystery person number 2 also mentioned in our blog, our beautiful carseat/stroller from Olivia. We are blown away by the generosity of you guys! Thank you so very much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

What means more than the gifts are knowing the thoughts that go into the gifts, the love that is behind the gifts…and though we love our gifts we receive the greatest gift from each of you daily… friendship!

Truly you mean the world to us, each of you who we call friends have given us a gift that cannot be bought or sold…and that is friendship!

 We cannot say it enough, thank you to so many of you who have blessed us beyond what we could ever think possible. Last night we had Ryan and Wendi over for our tradional taco birthday dinner that we grew up doing, to celebrate Wendi’s birthday. Well in walks Wendi with a smile on her face and my diaper bag and a big box of diapers in her hands. I was shocked (Darrel and I had just got in an arguement so I was a little irritated, haha, but that was all wiped away)…they had stuffed the diaper bag with toys, bath soaps, wipes, outfits…it was so neat of them…if you don’t remember they did our rocking chair for us too, so honestly we did not expect more, they are so giving and I love everything! After they left I just thanked the Lord for blessing us with them in our lives…and I took everything out again to look at it all and just dreamed! We also received an email that a package is being delivered from a baby company in Calfornia…and also our carseat/stroller travel system has been purchased off our registry…we aren’t sure who you guys are, which is driving us a little crazy in a fun way…every day I wait for the UPS/FedEx trucks to pull up…so whoever you guys are, thank you in advance…your keeping us in suspense!

Like my Mom said its like the Lord is throwing us a baby shower right now, because He knows the baby He has chosen will be here…we hope soon!

We are ready and set, our nursery is FULL of gifts from family/friends with all the necessary items needed to bring a little person home, now were just waiting for the go from the Lord! Darrel has been saying lately that it feels so much more real now, now that we have a nursery set up in our home, now that we have baby things in our home, he just hopes for my sake that the baby is coming sooner than later. Honestly I do get more excited, more anxious at each passing day and as we continue preparation, as gifts are piliing in from so many of you…I would be lying to say that it would be hard if this stuff was left unused for a long time more…but so many people have been saying to me that “they can feel it in their bones the baby is coming”…or they feel “the end of this waiting journey is nearer…” or that our “home will be busting at the seams soon…”…I feel like the Lord has prepared many of your hearts to open up and bless us with what we need…so I feel like the Lord is possibly preparing us for what is to come sooner than later…that has to be the most challenging part for me throughout our journey to start a family, waiting….I’ve felt prepared in the past to be a mommy, and Darrel to be a daddy…but looking back I realize that we were not ready…but today on this day we feel so ready…and were set…so I’m hoping with all my heart that this is the part when the Lord says “GO, you’ve fallen, I’ve picked you back up, you’ve learned, you’ve grown, you’ve been patient, you’ve trusted….now is the time that I’ve prepared for you to meet the one I’ve chosen for you, look back on all the ups, the downs, the tears, the lessons and see why I’ve had you go down this journey…and give praise to Me because you had to go through all you’ve gone through, you’ve had to learn these lessons, you’ve had to fall face first so you understand that I love you so much that I would pick you back up over and over again…and now is your day to meet the reason why you’ve been on this windy journey…the path is now clear and straight…and at the end of that path is My(your) child waiting for you…” I’ve felt this peace over me that were coming to the end… that there is a light at the end of this tunnel now…at the end I picture the Lord holding our baby in His arms….we just need to hear “Go” and you will never see 2 people run as fast as we will to the end line, it will be like a cartoon (haha)…like I said though, as much as I hope that our time is near…and we are hoping we are ready…He is the only one who knows…there may be more lessons to be learned in this part of our life/journey…there may be more falls…and its okay, I want only what He wants, I want to know for sure without doubt that the day we meet our little one is the day He has planned, I don’t want it to be one day too soon or a day too late…so I trust that, that date is the perfect date…so if we must wait for a long time more, then so be it, will it be easy…no…but will it be worth every moment in the end…yes! So we wait and in the process of waiting we rejoice and we give thanks for all He is doing and all you’ve all been doing for us! You guys are incredialbe family/friends…thank you from the bottom of our hearts!! 

 

This morning Darrel woke up bright and early to do a garage sale, our goal was for us to earn enough money to go buy our carseat/stroller, didn’t quite work out…we woke up to rain and cold weather, oh well. Right now as I write its beautiful, blue skies with some clouds…I can’t believe how fast summer has come and gone, but this is my favorite time of the year! Lately I’ve been in this “nesting” mode, is that possible for a person who is not pregnant? I don’t know? But I want everything perfect just in case we get the call…so today I woke up and organized the nursery’s closet, washed a bunch of baby clothes, blankets, bibs, socks, etc that my parents have been sending to us…did some organizing in the nursery. I guess I just want to be as prepared as we can be…so if we get the call we can run in the room, get the things we need together…leave a note saying this is what we need done…and head out. So its getting there…slowly but surely. While cleaning Mindy wrote a text saying she “bought something for baby gazzola today”…she bought our baby a cute outfit..(haven’t seen it yet, but I trust her taste, Carter always looks adorable)….made me feel so good, I started to cry..told her I was crying…she said “your easy to please”…its just been so neat because almost every day we are receiving items for the baby, from my parents and from our friends…it makes me happy to know people are excited for us and are preparing their hearts for us and our baby too…very neat! So nesting, not sure, just want to make it as simple, easy, non kaotic, non stressful as possilbe for us…we may be too prepared, but from what I’ve heard from mom’s, you never can be over prepared and there will always be something you forgot…so, we’ll just do our best!

Looking back on the last few months I’ve learned some lessons…we’ve been on the list now for 5 months…and there have been good days and bad days…short days and long days…happy days and sad days…in this waiting process. When I look back on the good days, the short days, the happy days I feel blessed to have those days, they keep me going. But when I look back on the bad days, the long days the sad days I recognize it is in those days that I’ve learned much more important lessons: lessons about faith, patience, friendship, dedication, trust…if my life was always good…easy…happy…then I wouldn’t need anything or anyone…I wouldn’t need to have faith in the Lord…I wouldn’t know the true meaning of friendship…because in those bad days is where I learn how faith and friendship works…its so true! We as humans don’t like to suffer, we don’t like the bad days, we don’t like to fail…it doesn’t feel good…but I think for most of us if we look back on those days we do realize that those are the days where we’ve learned lives greatest lessons. I receive daily devotions from Pastor Greg Laurie and today he wrote about this, how if we were to write out how we would want our lives to be then we would write “green lights and blue skies”…but the Lord is all purposeful, He allows every single detail and event in our life to unfold for purposes…and they are to teach us lessons! I know that I don’t have the strengh to get through this life on my own…I need Him and I need family/friends by my side to give me encouragement and strength..to remind me when I need reminding to keep my faith…and on those good days, days of happiness and celebration for sucesses, it wouldn’t be the same without having the Lord to thank and give credit to, it wouldn’t be the same without having family/friends to celebrate with…so the major lessons I’m learning is that we have good days and we have bad days, the Lord allows both, both for His purpose, to teach me lessons I need to learn…and I want to learn…so I praise Him for both the good times and the bad times! I want to grow as a person…and in order for me to grow in faith, to grow my friendships…to learn.. I know that goods days will define me and bad days will define me…so I do want both! 

Last week we received news that we are #10 on the adoption list. We started as #24…what does this mean for us? It only means that if there were a birthmom who chose not to make the choice about where to place her baby, the couple that is #1 on the list will be placed with that baby. We obviously have some more climbing to do, but it was pretty neat to hear that we are moving up…we also learned that this situation came up last month…a baby boy was born in a local hospital and his birthmom chose not to “choose”…so a blessed family received “the call” to come meet their baby boy…they were on the list for 9 months (which means that is the couple out of the entire agency that was on the list the longest)…so as we have passed our 5th month on the list it gives us hope…we’ve moved up 14 spots on that list only the Lord knows what our story is going to be…a random call or a birthmom choosing us from the start of her pregnancy…I expect to have some more good days and hard days through this waiting process…but I’m all for it…because I dream about the day we meet our little one…and get to celebrate with the Lord and our family/friends…

As you can probably tell by now I really enjoy poems…here is one I recently read:

Waiting by Amber Kersenbrock

Waiting, waiting, God knows best. Waiting, waiting, so hard in Him to rest. I want what I want, I want it right away. Don’t want to wait to wait for one more day.

God I thought your children were blessed? Why must you put me through this waiting test? Haven’t you heard my fervent pleas? This desire that’s brought me to my knees?

Again and again, to You I plead Knowing a child is what I need. A baby to feel the ache in my arms A little one to bless me with his many charms.

Be still, my child, wait for Me. I know what’s best, can’t you see? You must learn patience; patience and trust To lean on Me, that is a must.

Yes, child, I have heard your prayer And you surely know how much I care. I have known you from the very start, And rejoiced to have a place in your heart.

I want to bless you, but in My own time and way. Remember, to Me, a thousand years is but a day. I’ve watched you struggle, and watched you grow, when the time is right, I will know. For now, my child, be content in Me. Keep learning and growing, so you may see. My plans for you are many and great! I promise it will be worth the wait!

I passed my test today, if you could only see the smile that is is from ear to ear on me right now you would know the happiness and relief I feel. A huge weight has been lifted off of me, huge, one that has been weighing me down for a very long time now!

Once again I find myself in complete awe of the Lord. I find myself almost thinking “if I blog this, people are going to think I’m lying,” He has been blessing us so much…but I have proof from the two men I admire the most here on earth, Darrel and my Dad that this it the truth and nothing but the truth…last night I told Darrel that the most scary part of today was going to be opening up the envelope with my results in it…we had a plan: I would drive over to Darrel’s work and let him open the results OR I said “Darrel, I hope that the person who hands over the envelope will give me some sort of clue to how I did, that would be the best thing…so we kind of know what to expect before we open it…”I prayed for this to happen… ….this morning I did many things different than I did last time, last time I woke up in a daze and went downstairs to start studying…panick overcame me, this time I woke up, didn’t think about anything on the test, instead took a shower and prayed…listened to Air1 as I drove to take my test….I didn’t allow myself to get as nervous or worked up… Darrel and I prayed this morning in the car before I went into the testing center…I went in  much more calm…

 Started the test, finished it pretty fast, took a break…went into the bathroom, prayed asking the Lord to show me anything I should go back to, started at question #1, was going to make my way through to question #150…changed 4 math questions to the right answers, ( asked Darrel was I right to change these ones? yes!)…I passed by 4 questions…I promise you!! I only got through until question #26 because I ran out of time…because I took my time on those 4 questions…so as I hit the “end test” buttom, I just said “its all yours Lord…” came out of the room…went to the front where there was the employee there smiling, and she said “Congratulations” and handed me my results…I wasn’t sure if she said Congragulations just for getting through the testing process, like “your’re done, congratulations” or like “Congragulations, you passed!”…so I went to the truck with the results in hand, opened it (obvioulsy forfeiting our original plans of allowing Darrel to open the envelope)…and saw Pass/ 293….OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH…I started crying…called Darrel…he answered I could tell he could tell I was crying…didn’t give him much time to think it was bad, I literally screamed “I passed, Darrel, I passed!!!!!!!!!!!” he was so happy he said he almost started to cry…”oh my gosh, babe, oh my gosh, gooooood job…ohhh,..(deep breaths)…oh my gosh.” was Darrel’s reaction…followed by “I feel like a mad truck just came and hit me” haha, pure joy and exhaustion all in one is what we both felt! Called my Mom because I knew she was the one person who would be “dying” to know…she is so devoted to me, not just as my Mom, but as a friend…as a friend who prays…who supports…she is the person I go to for encouragement…for alot …she has an amazing love for the Lord, and for us (her family)…she almost screamed she was so happy….and then I called my Dad…..they had called Darrel at around  12 their time because they hadn’t heard anything…so they were afraid that not hearing anything may be bad…..Darrel told them I was still taking my test…..so they got on their knees once more and my Dad said “Jul, I couldn’t get myself to pray the words…”Lord, be with Julie either way, whether she passes or not…” he said ” I was thinking it in my head but the words would not come off my tongue Jul…I knew I didn’t need to utter those words…Praise the Lord Julie, I am so happy for you, so happy for you Bubs(his nickname for Wendi and I)!”…once I got off the phone with him, I texted everyone …and then I just thanked the Lord over and over and over again for His faithfulness..for answering once again our prayers…even the simple one of getting an idea through the person who handed me my test results…I just keep saying thank you Lord…I can’t stop…He gave me the tools, the references, everything to allow me to pass…

I just woke from a very long nap…I feel like a million dollars…..I woke up and said “is this a dream?”nope, I passed!! I have 1 more part of the test, but this part was the part I struggle with the most, math, science, history…geography..economics…the next part is more critical thinking…we’ll see what happens with that test BUT this was the one that has had me stressing out…this is the one I knew I would have to pass for almost 4 years now…this kind of test with the subjects I dread and its DONE!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Lord!!!!!!!!!!

My hubby is upstairs taking a nap….he was again so amazing in helping me…supporting me and keeping me going…keeping me positive…when he got home he looked “different”….this has been a weight on his shoulders too, he loves me so much…what is important to me, is just as important to him…my goals are his goals…he is my best friend and I feel so blessed to have a man who loves me in such a huge way that my failures are his…my sucesses are his…AHHHH, we may go celebrate with a fancy dinner…

THANK YOU SINCERLY FROM THE VERY BOTTOM OF MY HEART TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN FAITHFULLY PRAYING FOR ME! I donot have the words to tell you what that means to me, I just don’t…thank you! Thank you for all the text last night..this morning…emails…voicemails..of encouragement! You guys are the best friends anyone could hope for…thank you! 

 

I know I’ve been blogging almost every day and long blogs, I hope you aren’t bored…guess I just have lots to say right now? So tonight as I write, I write with mixed emotions. We bought some picture frames for our home, so I asked Darrel to find some good pictures for us to print. I took a quick break from studying to come in and see some pictures because he mentioned that he had found an old cd with “old” pictures on it, so we opened it up without looking at what was on the cd and started scanning through them. Neat pictures of our first home, we loved that home, we still miss it… lots of amazing memories there. Being newlyweds, getting our puppies, 1st holidays, 1st parties, finding out we were pregnant the first time, just lots of first, it was a warm home…we sometimes say if we only knew then what we know now, bigger isn’t better…. the lessons we’ve learned about “material” things never fufilling our hearts….and if we could move that home here with us now, then we would still being living in it. We miss it. Then we saw pictures of our 2nd home, wow, the before and after of that house was amazing, we put alot of heart, sweat and many tears in that house to make it ours but that house never felt like home, it was beautiful but its wasn’t warm, it wasn’t full of good memories, don’t get me wrong we had some, but for the short time we lived there, it was constant work to fix it up, constant ups then downs, and sadly that is where we lost both our babies. I remember driving away from that house to move here to Idaho…it was sad only because we put so much effort into it, but it wasn’t “home” and I felt relief to be leaving it quite honestly, it never felt right living in that house. So as were scanning through those pictures we come across our positive pregnancy tests…Darrel scanned through quickly…he left the room after finishing looking at the rest and I decided to go back to look through “those” pictures. We took a ton of pictures of the pregnancy test, with the 2 pink lines, the pregnant words in the screen…and then there were the pictures of the valentine cookies we baked for our parents annoucing our pregnancy…pictures of us holding the cookies…pictures of our parents with huge grins on their faces and blurry eyes because of the tears of happiness they had cried…I just stopped and looked at the one of Darrel and I, looked at myself…just remebering what it felt like to know I was holding our baby in my body…how amazing that night was…and as I write this I feel almost sick to my stomach, but also just grateful for that wondeful night. How I wish things had turned out so differently….how I wish we could go back to that time when things seemed so much simpler…our first home, finding out we were pregnant, annoucing the happy news…it was an amazing time in our lives. I do wish with all my heart that we had our babies here…but I know that we are, where we are in life for a reason…I feel the same peace and warmth in this home that I felt in our first home, there is a nursery upstairs ready for a baby, I feel like this home is going to be the same as the first home…a home of “first”…..I know that the Lord has brought us to this home for a reason, had any of those events almost 4 years ago turned out different…then we wouldn’t be here today…we wouldn’t be the people we are today….we wouldn’t have learned what we’ve learned….we wouldn’t be anxiously awaiting the arrival of the baby the Lord has known all along would be ours…we are already being blessed here…..so mixed emotions…sadness and grief are flowing through me right now for our two babies, for those precious memories that are sadly bittersweet now, but also an understanding deep down in my heart that the Lord has led us to this place in life…..we understand even more deeply now how much of a miracle life is…and I truly believe with all my heart and soul that this home is going to be the home we are blessed with a little one…and we are going to experience the same deep warmth and peace as we did in our first home…I can’t wait to see what is in store for us here…how the Lord is going to use this home and us to fufill His purpose…I can’t wait…..

Okay, so many things to give praise to the Lord about…He has gone above and beyond answering some prayers for Darrel and I…and I just want to share what an amazing God He is!

Our dream, has always been for me to be a stay at home mom, no matter what kind of sacrifices we have to make, big or small, we personally feel its so important.  We’ve also learned that Idaho jobs don’t pay nearly as much as California jobs, which is okay, we’ve adjusted. However we also realized how much help I did give to our finicial status each month when I worked as a teacher. We’ve been praying that the Lord show us what we need to do, not only short term but long term to make this plan work if this is indeed His will for us. Short term, positions have already opened for me, my school has offered me a long-term subbing job for Kindergarten starting in November (actually I will be teaching “my” classroom I would have had this year, had I passed my test)…and if I pass the test next week there is a posibility of an opening come October ( a Kindergarten teacher is in the process of adoption and her baby is due in October) within another school district that I have been notified of. So either way, short term we are covered. Long term though, well what do we do to make our finances work for me to stay at home? At first we thought big, we found a home locally and actually put a deposit down on it but the Lord answered prayers about whether this was the right home, the right decision and the right time to make such a huge sacrifice…His answer: a big fat NO! We withdrew our money. Well the floodgates have opened…we sold our timeshare, Darrel received a letter from his former employer in California that they have a uncashed check that is in his name (somehow they put the check in the wrong account) so we have that check coming…and Darrel is slowly but surely building up his loan business. He has become friends with some good guys in the business, he is networking and he has 1 loan in progress right now and soon there should be a couple more. So praise the Lord…all in a matter of a month…prayers have been answered to get us by short term and long term! This money won’t get us by forever, but He has clearly put in front of us that we are to stay put, to trust that He will provide as long as we go down His path and follow His will…so although we are not perfect and at times we still allow our human hearts to worry…He clearly answered our prayers. As a result of so many prayers being answered, I have felt this excited anticipation growing in my heart that He is putting all the pieces together for us to be parents. He has definately put a peace in my heart that our time is coming…He actually has used others to confirm what I’m feeling, randomly I received a text with a scripture on it from someone I don’t text with or talk to on the phone, we see each other ocassionaly…she sent a text with this amazing scripture that she said the Lord clearly layed on her heart for me Sing, O childless woman! Break out into loud and joyful song, Jerusalem, for she who was abandoned has more blessings now than she whose husband stayed! Enlarge your house; build on additions; spread out your home! For you will soon be bursting at the seams! followed by her words “God has big plans in store for you guys…” then not even a week later another “distant” person wrote saying the exact same thing….”God has big plans in store for you guys…” all these things are not coincedence…they are from the Lord! Loud and clear He is showing us He hears us…He is using others to confirm His plans for us….I’ve been getting these excited stomach aches that come on at random times lately…like His plan is going to be revealed for our family…our nursery is full of items, gifts from my parents and friends…were ready, but I want His ready to be what comes of this, not my ready…(sometimes I wish His time was my time, not going to lie) but deep down I really do desire for His perfect plan to be revealed in His perfect timing even if we do wait longer, because if I force things, its going to mess things up…I know by what He has been doing that He is reminding me that His plans are in action and I just need to pray, trust that He is completely and utterly capable of anything and do my best to always follow His lead! I also praise Him for putting people in our lives that are truly dedicated to praying for us…who love us…who I know when they say they are praying, they are praying…who love my parents so much that they love us and pray for us, that our friends parents lift us up in prayer…a long line of people care for us and are praying….we are so blessed!!!!!!!

 

So as you all know I didn’t pass my test the first time, so I’ve been hard at work studying again. I’ve been living at the library, which I must say isn’t the worse place to be, its quiet and it forces me to stay focused, however I much rather be working than studying at a library. I’m burnt out from a summer of studying so Darrel forces me to take breaks. But its always looming over me that I need to take the test and I look forward to having this done…sooo I was scheduled to retake the exam this Thursday and what do you know? The dreaded jury duty knowtice came in the mail, for this week. I was called in today so I hoped that I would get dismissed, however jury duty is different here in Idaho in many ways more strict than California. They don’t let you off, even if you aren’t selected to serve on a jury. I have to call in every morning this week to see if I have to report again, SO needless to say I can’ t take my test this week.  I am now scheduled to retake the test next week, but  in my plans I was retaking part 1 this week and taking part 2 next week, so now the soonest available date they have for part 2 is October,  this puts me out 3 more weeks than planned. I’m frustrated, I really want my weekends back, I want my “life” back …studying is consuming our weekends and our time, I have to keep reviewing information I already know to remember it and on top of that try studying the new parts…so I wonder will I ever be done? I had to force myself to take some deep breaths today…and trust that there is a reason to this rescheduling…even if I didn’t pass again, we had decided I would wait and try retaking the exam closer to my deadline of April and really dig in deeper…take some courses they offer online etc, but because I was only 1 question away (which still irritates me every time I say that) we decided I should retake the exam soon and try 1 more time sooner than later. Ughhhh…I guess the positive side of this is through studying history I do have a much deeper understanding of our judicial system and today it reinforced what I’ve been learning and really how privelaged we are to live in the US and serve in this tiny way…so I will leave it at that, on the positive side…I want to be done though…so I hope that next week goes good…and I hope by mid October to be reporting good news!

Today I received the Stepping Stones magazine I love to get…..and read this and tears rolled down my cheeks… this has been our journey…this is what we would want to share with so many of you…

For This Journey. by Ashley McGlothren

A journey is the only way to describe the last five years Of asking God to bless us with a child and to wipe away my tears.

Little did I know that God was giving me all the tools I would need To travel the hard roads, where He promises He would lead.

My husband was my first gift to help me on my way. Year after year, he proved that for the good and bad he would stay.

Neither of us could have imagined how we would need each other To go through the loss of one (two) child and still keep hope for another.

So many friends and family helped us to stay on course. When our faith seemed gone, they would turn to the true Power Source.

Our family didn’t try to give an answer of why, But they kept fervently praying for God to give us His reply.

Friends were a treasure God gave us for this walk. Without judgement, they would listen when we needed to talk.

In the valley is where I learned the greatest lesson of them all: That my Father would come down there with me to catch every fall.

So now on this mountain top we stand, Anxiously waiting for our little one to be put in our hands.

This is the time to celebrate our answered prayer, And to remember that God gives us tools, so our burdens we can bear.

So to each one of you who walk this road with me, I thank God that He used you to get me to this point in my journey!

Thank you…thank you!