Our journey through adoption.

This weekend Darrel and I did a whole lot of nothing, well actually on Saturday we did do a deep cleaning of our house, organized some things and Darrel took down the Christmas lights but other than that we did a whole lot of nothing. We slept in, took naps, watched alot of t/v, and were lazy, but we both agree were not gonna feel guilty because we fully understand that in a very short time here, the lazy weekends will be but a distant memory. We are so ready to forgo our sleep and lazy weekends though to Landon, but until then we are going to take advantage of this time!

Can you believe that another year has passed by? I can’t believe that tomorrow will be the year 2008…Darrel and I were talking about the last 7 years of our marriage…wow 7 years…when Landon is born we will have been married for 7 1/2 years, some days it feels like just yesterday we were planning our wedding and other days it feels like we’ve been waiting for this moment in our lives (to start a family) for eternity, however we have had a wonderful marriage so far, and I believe that it will only continue to grow as we watch each other be parents to Landon. Yesterday I asked Darrel a thousand questions about “what will you do in this situation?” How do you feel about this? What I realized so clearly yesterday is that Darrel is going to be a softie, I’ve known this all along because of how he is with out dogs (major softie) but I can tell he is going to melt, he talks big but his heart is going to be putty in this little boys hands. I cannot wait to see how Darrel is with Landon, I know he is dedicated to raising Landon to be a good Christian man. As a mom, I hope to see Landon be strong, independant, caring, respectful man. I hope he treats women like my Dad has always treated my Mom, Wendi and I, with sensitivity and gentleness in his words and actions. My biggest hope for Landon is that he loves and honors the Lord in all he does throughout his life! I hope this year Darrel and I will be able to be a blessing to Landon and to others….

This morning I read this scripture:  For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart (Jeremiah 29:11–13) What an awesome feeling of peace we have in putting our futures and in our hopes in Him. I pray for all of you that this new year be a blessed one, one that you will look back in another year from now and be thankful for! Goodbye 2007, Welcome 2008!

Christmas went by so quickly once again. My parents were with us this past week, it feels more complete when they are here, they are such amazing parents. We enjoyed a beautiful WHITE Christmas too. Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of living in an area that snowed on Christmas, and it did. This entire week its been snowing, its so beautiful.

So now the new year fast approaches. In looking at the start of my blog I started this time almost one year ago…I wrote about what I thought this year may bring, but yet it brought so much more. The Lord has blessed us beyond words…I wake up each morning and thank Him for Landon. For the mercy He has shown Darrel and I, I could not imagine going through another year without a little one to love. His timing was so perfect, He allowed us to go through many ups and downs this year, and just when I felt like giving up, He showed me a rainbow, reminded me to remain trustful of His timing and then we get the call that we have been chosen to be parents to this little boy. Each day I get more and more excited. Only 55 days until his due date. We lyed around in bed this morning talking about him and our futures with him in it. We cannot wait to hold him in our arms! We cannot wait to see what the Lord has in store for us as a family of 3 this new year….already we know that it will be the most life changing years of our lives. We are so ready for this little guy….so what will this new year bring? I don’t think we can imagine what this new year will bring into our lives, I know there will be more love than we ever knew possible and new adventures, new trials, new hopes, dreams and new prayers….I thank the Lord for this past year, for all the growing that took place, and though it was a diffucult year of waiting, in 55 days we will meet the little one the Lord has known all along would be our little boy and well worth everything we’ve endured. I also thank so many of you who have been so faithful in prayer over Darrel and I.

Happy New Year’s!

This week has been so busy, we are busy finishing Christmas shopping, I went and finished registering at BabiesRus with Mindy, which was so much fun, we are using Landon’s name daily, multiple times a day. We talk about him all the time…it still feels surreal but we know that once the holidays are over, we will be saying “next month” he will be here, oh my gosh, can you believe that, I can’t. If I think about ALL the plans we still need to make and all the preparation that is still left to do my stomach starts hurting…we are SO excited we just need to take one step at a time. We also have a baby shower planned, again, can you believe it? My baby shower!!!!!!!! Wow.

But today as I was shopping around getting irritated with slow driving people and with crowds I had to stop and really remember what Christmas is about. It is about celebrating the birth of Jesus! Forget the gifts, forget the food, forget the busyness Christmas has turned into and really focus my attention back on the real reason for Christmas….Him!

We hope all of you have a great Christmas…you are in our prayers and in our thoughts. Be safe.

Yesterday Amy, her grandmother and aunt flew into Idaho to visit with Darrel and I, and a few family and friends for the day. This was the first time we would meet Amy and were so excited and nervous. We arrived at the airport about 10 minutes before their flight landed, we wanted to be there on time, but not too early where our nerves could get the best of us, so it was perfect timing. We had prayed that the Lord’s presense be felt and known before going in…As we sat there waiting to see her, our hearts both pounded…we didn’t know what she looked like, we just hoped we would know her when we saw her….we were looking all around and then I saw these eyes connect with mine (her Grandma was staring at me) so I knew this was them…I told Darrel “there she is…” we walked over and immediately we began to give each other hugs and some tears followed. Amy is so pretty, petite, long, brown pretty hair, big brown eyes, and a perfect little tummy…after we had given each other hugs her Grandma rubbed her tummy and said “and here he is too…”. We started to talk about the flight and asked some questions about each other as Amy’s aunt rented a car….then we drove home….there wasn’t alot of conversation between Darrel and I as we drove home…just alot of “what do you think they are thinking right now?”…when we arrived home we showed them our house…downstairs…then upstairs…the nursery…as they stepped into the nursery Grandma started to cry and so did her aunt…her aunt excused herself from the room, Amy went immediately over to the crib and touched the bedding…she said “Grandma come feel how soft this is…” we opened the closet and showed her what we have…a few outfits, the carseat, stroller, bathtub…she looked at a blue outfit and said ” I would like to pick out a couple things for him too..” we of course said “we would love that Amy…”…we all stayed in there for a couple minutes…we could tell they just wanted to engrave that room into their memories forever. We asked Amy if there was anything she would like to add to that room? Anything she would do differently…she sweetly said “no, I love it…he is going to be one spoiled little boy…” we told them our plans of putting a scripture over the crib and her Grandmother said “that would be perfect, I really like that…”…it was emotional, we so hoped she would love the room and see how much love is in that room….I think she did….

After that we went downstairs and began to talk more…get to know each other more and soon after a few of our family and friends came to visit (something Amy requested). She observed the babies alot, Carter and Luke…after awhile our family and friends left and we continued to talk. Amy’s aunt asked if she could go up to the nursery privately…so her and Amy’s grandmother went up for a few minutes as we stayed down stairs and talked to Amy. We asked her plans for her future…she will be turning 19 years old shortly, she may go to school to do hair, she loves animals, loves snowboarding and is very close to her brother. Soon after her aunt and grandmother came downstairs, both still crying…we tried to comfort them by asking is there anything more we can share about ourselves, about our lives that will make you feel more at peace. Her aunt said these words while holding back tears…”all we want, all Amy wants for her son are people who are going to value him completely, love him completely, people who will cherish him with all their hearts”…many tears followed…but promises were made, promises we intend to keep. They asked us what it felt like to receive the call about Amy…we told them it was one of the most amazing days of our lives…they explained that Amy looked over at least 40 profiles before choosing ours…she found us and continued to look but always came back to our profile…they asked us what we would like to see happen at the hospital…we redirected that question back to them and said we donot want to invade on that time…Amy said she would like for that time to be the time she spends with him, privately…that when she is sleeping we can have him…but otherwise she would like to spend that time with him, along with her family. We completely respect this and desire this for all their hearts…Amy also asked us if she could pick out the outfit and dress him the day she hands him over to us…we of course again said yes…tears all rolling down our cheeks as this entire conversation was taking place…her Aunt said that its going to be very emotional for the entire family and that they may all be basketcases…but that this is their time to say goodbye this little boy that they all love so very much. Amy then said I would like to name him Landon Jacob…I really love this name…we said we love it too…we had mentioned to her over the phone that we would love to have Jacob be a part of his name because of the meaning “a gift from God”…so it meant so much to us that she included Jacob in the name.

It was an very emotional few hours…Amy asked to see the school and our church… so we cleaned up lunch and her grandmother offered to help clean…during this time Amy, her aunt and Darrel were petting the dogs so I went over to her Grandmother and lightly rubbed her arm and asked quietly..”is there anything else we can offer to give you peace…” she said “no,… Amy has chosen the perfect family for this little boy…” When we got to our church there were only two lights on so they could see through the windows…the nursery and child’s room (no coincedence there, thank you Lord) as Amy and Grandma want Landon to grow up knowing the Lord and going to a good church….how perfect that the only 2 lights on were the lights of the children’s ministry rooms…

When we said our goodbye’s Amy said “thank you so much, I had a lot of fun…” her Aunt asked her before this if you were talking to a friend what would tell them about today? she said “that it was exciting to meet Darrel and Julie and that it was fun…” she is so sweet, soft spoken, shy…she loves Landon with all her heart…she again said she just wants him to have a fun life, have oppurtunites that she didn’t have growing up, she wants him to be loved and cherished”.

Yesterday was bittersweet. Of course there is immense joy in our hearts for this huge gift we will be receiving (the hugest gift there is), a child…but yet our hearts ache for their hearts, for the grief they already are feeling for the loss of this little boy being present in their lives. They said they felt a “complete peace” after meeting us and spending this time with us…but their hearts ache for Amy’s heart and for the loss they will be feeling…there isn’t the right word for what I felt yesterday…’thankful” I don’t think is the right word…maybe it is? but I know that the Lord allowed us to experience our losses so we could comfort their hearts for their loss…does this make sense. I truly donot believe that we could understand, relate or comfort Amy or her family had we not lost our two precious angels, so I see how perfectly the Lord allows sorrows in our lives to help reach others…He allowed our losses because He knew yesterday would be a day that would take place in our lives…and that we would need to show compassion, sensitivity and understanding to these precious people.

We are so comforted in knowing that Amy is surrounded by family who loves her, who are going to help her and be there for her. We would be unsensitive and naive to go into this situation ignoring what will be taking place in that family’s heart the day Landon is born…and then given to us….her entire family is coming to the hospital to be there for her, Thank you Lord for this, prayers we’ve been praying since day one for her, that she would have people around her to support and love her, as she experiences the sadness and grief she will no doubt experience.

Amy has beautiful soul and heart…her love for her son shines through her eyes….she gently rubbed her stomach throughout the day, often. She loves Landon SO much, and because of this love she is giving him a gift of giving him the best life she can, there is no bigger love than that, (besides the love of the Lord for us). Her two criteria was that the family she chose be 1)Christian and 2) have no other children…she wanted to bless a family with the oppurtunity to be parents…us!

What an amazing day it was, by the end of that visit all of us were exhausted emotionally…but we feel we all left with a peace…

We just hope that Amy, her Aunt and Grandmother felt the love we have to offer…and felt as much peace as they could feel leaving us yesterday…

Everything has always been in the Lord’s hands…now as we will not see them until that date he is born…we just give everything over to Him to handle from here on out…we now have a peace that it is time to prepare for this little boy to come home…the last thing the Grandmother said was…”we’ll see you in a couple months, and the next time we see you, you will be a Mom and a Dad…”. Wow!

Thank you Lord for yesterday, for allowing this day to happen for all of us. It was a blessed day, we felt Your presense in our home, and we know they felt You too…we now just wait, wait for the call that Landon is coming…we hope and pray that there are no bumps in the remainder of this road…but Lord we trust you SO completely that You are in control and that You love Amy, Landon, her Aunt, Grandmother and us completely…and we know that Your plans are perfect…please Lord bless Amy with peace…peace in her choice…we thank You again from the bottom of our hearts Lord for Amy, for her heart, for her love for her son, for answering our prayers that she has family who will be there for her…we promise Lord to raise Him knowing you…Lord please protect Amy and keep Landon safe in her until that day…thank you Lord for Your greatness…thank you for the small and huge things you’ve allowed to happen in our lives, the happiness and the sorrows…thank You for the lights being on at church…everything Lord…everything…You are amazing…just please be with Amy…bless her heart forever and ever, our hearts ache for her, show us Lord how we can love her on that day when she hands over her baby boy to us…continue to guide us Lord!

Landon Jacob…wow…we have a little boy named Landon Jacob who is already so loved by us and so many others…we are so excited to meet you Landon…to hold you…to love you…to bring you home…we cannot wait for this day…this day we’ve prayed about for so many years now…we promise you, you will be the most important part of our lives, our hearts and lives are dedicated to raising you to be the best person you can be…we dream of you…we pray for you and we love you….and so does your mom…and her family. You are SO loved little boy…SO loved!

Last night we talked to our birthmother, her grandmother and her caseworker over the phone for the first time. Darrel and I were so nervous as we waited for the phone to ring…we had joined hands and prayed that the Lord speak through us and into her heart. The phone rang and when we answered we heard the sweetest voice on the other side, a gentle, soft voice that we both will always remember. We were asked to tell about ourselves, about growing up, how we met, our hobbies and interest, so we did. After that she wanted to know more about our dogs, she is an animal lover, her dream is to work with horses as a career. She asked Darrel more about his job, if he would be traveling, would we bring her son on vacations, will I be a stay at home Mom, will he be raised knowing the Lord, in a good church, surrounded by good people. She asked how we would discipline….after all these questions were answered her last 2 questions were the one’s that touched our hearts the most. She asked us if we had thought about names for him? I answered with “yes, but Amy have you thought about names for your son?” She said , “Trevor or Landon”…we both replied “we would love for you to name your son and he will know his name was given by you” and her last question that brought tears and chills down my entire body was “will he know how much I love him…” I poured out my heart to her and said “he will absolutely know, feel and understand the love you have for him Amy, the love you have for him is huge, the greatest love I think there is,  I promise you he will know your love, I promise you we will share anything and everything you would want him to know about you…I promise you! I wish there were words I could give you to explain how we feel about you Amy, but there aren’t those words, we just feel so excited and honored that you are considering us to raise your son, ” and then Darrel added “he is going to be blessed because he will feel so much love from you and from us”…we all were crying…it was a blessed conversation. One that will be engraved in our hearts and memories for a lifetime. My heart cries out for this young, precious women who loves her son with all her heart and being, she is an angel to us. She will be a part of our prayers each day, forever and ever. The admiration and gratitude we feel for her is unexplainable….

Soon they are going to come here to visit us in our home, or we are going to go there to go visit her…I feel that this is a meeting that the Lord has already appointed…He wants this meeting to take place, not just for all our hearts, but for the little boy that is in the center of all our love. We want Trevor or Landon to know the love that he had all around him before he was born and I think the only way we all will understand each others hearts fully is to meet and spend some time together.

To Trevor or Landon,

Last night we spoke to your Mom over the phone. Your Mom’s love was beyond evident from the moment she began to speak and ask questions about us. She has this soft, sweet voice that melted both our hearts, we could feel her kindness through the phone. She loves you so much, she said her dreams for you are that you be in a family that is close, that everyone gets along in, that we would support you in whatever decisions you make for your own life, she said she wants you to experience vacations and traveling, she wants you to be loved and understand the love she has for you. She loves animals, she wants to work with horses for her career, she is very close to her brother and sister and spends time often with them. She was just so sweet and she loves you so very, very much. We have made a promise to her that we will keep that you will know about her and you will know how much she loves you. We all have dreams for your life precious little one….your life will be a blessed one, one full of unconditional love. With Love.

Thank you and praise You Lord for ALL answered prayers yesterday…our hearts were full of anxiety and fear but you lifted those feelings from us and replaced them with hope and dreams. You are an amazing God, full of love. We love you with all our hearts Lord, please continue to fill our hearts with this hope…..