Our journey through adoption.

Gosh there is SO much to share and remember about the last few days that I don’t even know where to begin so I figure it would be best to start when we got the call and work my way through. I really want to remember all the details so that one day Landon can read his story and know the huge amount of love that surrounded his life. I want him to see how amazing the Lord is and how He allowed two families to be knitted together and in many ways become one. So here it goes…I will do one day at a time starting with Monday.

Monday, February 19th- The phone rang and I knew it was going to be Amy calling us to let us know how her doctor appointment had gone, when I answered the phone she said “Hi Julie, its Amy, I just wanted to call and let you know that the doctor is going to induce me tomorrow morning because I have high blood pressure…” I of course was so excited and asked her how she was feeling? “nervous but excited, I just want to see him…are you and Darrel going to drive up tonight to be here in the morning?” Uhm, let me talk to Darrel and see then I will call you back, sound good?” “yep, sounds good…” Is there anything you need Amy?” nope, just excited…after I got off the phone I called Darrel and said “Tomorrow is the day, Amy is being induced, we are going to meet our son tomorrow Darrel…tomorrow”…then I called my Mom..sister..and all of our friends to let everyone know the good news. In the meantime I was so nervous I didn’t even know what to do with myself? So I called Amy’s caseworker to ask what we should do, drive through the night to be there first thing in the morning, or wait until the morning and get up there in the afternoon…our biggest concern was wanting to give Amy and her family privacy during that time, but we also did want to be there if Amy wanted us to be there so we could support her. So she said let me call you back and call Amy to ask what she would like…about an hour later we got the call that Amy wanted us there…she wanted us there for support and reassurance. WOW, that made Darrel and I feel so awesome to know she wanted us there…so we got packed, ate our last dinner as a family of two at our center island (sloppy joe’s and tots), got packed up, picked up Wendi and got on the road. It was so neat driving up there knowing we were driving to FINALLY meet our son, it felt so surreal but so right. We drove straight thru and arrived at 2:30am. We stayed with Amy’s caseworker because we knew we were only going to be getting a couple hours of sleep before heading to the hospital…let me tell you…our last night without Landon was not quite what I envisioned in my head…we got to her house and I’m very alergic to cats so she had 1 room in the house she doesn’t let cats in…so I had to stay in that room for sure…well the other bed that was available was in the main living room and because she has a husband and a teenage son I didn’t want Wendi  sleeping out in the open, so we decided Darrel would sleep on that sofa and Wendi and I would take the cat free room. After talking to her for awhile we all got ready for bed…the bed was tiny and the matress was too big for the frame so Wendi slept in by the wall and I had to sleep on the edge hanging on for dear life because the matress was hanging off the edges…then she warned us she couldn’t find one of her two cats so we may hear it walking around but it shouldn’t bother us…well Wendi and were completey giddy because of pure exhaustion so we stayed up laughing about random stuff…told her “this is NOT how I thought my last night would be…in a tiny bed hanging on for dear life with my sister…”finally we said we better get some rest so both of us were just about to fall asleep and then we heard the most terrifying sound ever, a cat screaming at the door…it was such a scary scream but we both just started laughing…it stopped so then we were just about to fall asleep again…then again the cat started screaming and pounding around…what is going on out there?…so I got up and opened the door…it was gone…okay..its gone please can we sleep now…again it started screaming and we hear the teenage son scream “shut up you stupid cat..”but it wouldn’t stop…so he got up and found it locked in a linen closet that was in between our bedroom and his…apparently she had made our bed and he went in the linen closet and got stuck…it was probaly around 3:30ish before we fell asleep…to be woken up early to get ready to go to the hospital…it was so nice of Amy’s caseworker to let us sleep there but I would have to say it was one of the most restless nights sleeps I thought I would ever have (that is until this little guy).

Tuesday, February 19th AM- Waking up in the morning knowing that Amy was being induced was so nerve wracking…while taking a shower I prayed over her. Over her spirit, her health, her body, her protection, her heart..just focused my entire prayer on her. I knew today would be the most bittersweet days of our lives…on our way to the hospital I felt sick to my stomach, nerves completely took over me…once we got to the hospital we met her grandmother in the waiting room…we hugged and cried together and then Amy asked us to go back to see her…I will remember seeing her laying there with the monitors hooked up to her…with her Aunt standing right by her side…hearing Landon’s heartbeat on the monitor…and just her smile forever. We went directly to her and gave her a huge hug and asked how she was feeling..”nervous, anxious…”. We talked for a little bit and could just tell that her Aunt was having a hard time with us in the room, not because she didn’t care for us but because she knew what the day was to hold…and it was alot to take in..so we left the room to give them time…we went into the waiting room where we met more of Amy’s family…her boyfriend…her Mom and her stepdad…to take a few steps back though, all I had prayed for was peace…a peace that that would surpass all understanding…so as soon as we met Amy’s Mom she came up to me and whispered in my ear as she was hugging me crying…”ever since Amy showed me your profile, I have had an overwhelming sense of peace that you guys are the perfect couple, she could not have chosen a better family for her son…” THANK YOU LORD, is what I felt in that instance…a sense of relief that He was telling me, SEE, all will be okay Julie, you prayed for peace and I’ve given it to her family…THANK YOU LORD…I knew from that point on that as hard as the next few days would be with all the different emotions that His peace was surrounding Amy, her family and us and it felt so perfectly right. After we met them more of her family started to come, her brother, her sister, grandpa, aunts and uncles, cousins… she had a HUGE support system of incrediable people there for her and again from the beginning of this process we have lifted up prayers to the Lord asking Him to place a birthmother in our path that had this support, most importantly for Amy but also so we could share with Landon how loved he is. THANK YOU LORD again for answered prayers. That day was the LONGEST day of our lives…I can easily say this… seating in the waiting room with her family and friends was neat…it was hard though because you could sense in their spirits, heaviness…and for us, we knew the sadness that they were feeling and it broke our hearts, there were many silent prayers being lifted up from us…and I’m sure many of them also…at around 3ish after Amy had been pushing for a long time, her grandmother came out and annouced that she was going to have to have a c-section…not what anyone wanted for  Amy…they prepped her and then about an hour later her mom came out with tears strolling down her cheeks and a video camera in hand…this was the first time we would see our son…when we watched the video tape of him and first heard his cry…there just are NOT words to what those moments felt like…no words can express the joy, the love…the awe of what was in front of us…his cry was the most precious sound I will ever hear in my ears…he was beautiful…perfect…everything…a few minutes later Amy’s grandmother came out with more pictures for us to see of him…again just pure joy…and she showed her family the pictures…it is a sight that will forever be in my memories…the joy but sadness all mixed into one as they all lovingly looked on at Landon…it felt like eternity as we waited to be able to see Amy and Landon but finally…Amy’s grandmother came out…looked at us…and said “Are you ready to meet your son?”…

I will conintue this blog tomorrow (hopefully)…but just reflecting back on these days, the amount of love and support there was in that waiting room of family and friends for Amy was so touching…the peace that filled that room even though there was evident grief for what was to be…the Lord was absolutely in that room, filling His Holy Spirit on all of us…it was raw, real, heavy, light, sad, happy all in one, a mix of emotions filled each of us, but I feel we all knew we were all suppose to be there, connected in this journey together…

On a different note…today we received the call that as adoptive parents is the most freeing call ever…both Amy and the birthfather relinquished rights…Landon is our son forever!

Thank you Lord is just not enough…there are no words my Dear Precious Lord for me to express to You..to Amy…to anyone to show my heart…its full of joy, full of love, the fullest its ever been Lord…You have rescued us Lord, and made us complete…we thank You with all our hearts for all You have done and are about to do…we thank You Lord…

Is the most amazing feeling in the WORLD, we are loving it, even with only an hour of sleep last night I can say that this feeling is like nothing else I’ve ever experienced before…just complete love for this little guy. We feel so blessed…
 
Don’t give up on me, I will post about the experiences over the last few days starting tomorrow…one day at a time…off to bed now, Darrel and my Mom are taking care of him so I can get a head start for the rest of the night/morning…check in tomorrow!

Many of you have been asking when I’m going to blog about the last couple days, I plan on sitting down as soon as I have ALOT of time, so it will be at least a few days before I post about the amazing days we’ve experienced. I can say with confidence that the Lord was present in every conversation that took place, every prayer that was lifted up and His peace was present from start to finish. It was a blessed time, but very bittersweet for all involved. Please be praying for Amy, we called her caseworker today to check in on her, of course her heart is aching and she is having an extremely hard time…please pray for her beautiful heart.

I am sitting here in the office looking over at our son, Landon Jacob peacefully sleeping, to look over and see this amazing gift that God has given us, is undescriable…the awe I feel for the Lord is overwhelming to say the least, and to look into the eyes of my son as he stares into mine is a dream come true. He is wonderfully made, perfect in every single way…last night we had him laying in between us in our bed and we joined hands and dedicated His life to the Lord…just incrediable to see how the Lord designs life.

Life as a Mommy and Daddy has just begun, but yet we love him more than we ever knew possible. He is our miracle, a miracle that we are beyond blessed to be able to hold and see every day, every day we will be reminded through him, the miracles the Lord does.

Last sunday at church we sang this song…and I told Darrel after singing the song, these words perfeclty say what I feel for the Lord…I worship Him with a complete, beyond full, repaired heart…

Who is Like You- Generation Unleashed

You covered me with Your love
With Your hand You rescued me
Your righousness has made me whole.
Who is like You Lord, There is none like You, No one else compares to all Your magesty.
The world will know Your name, as you are lifted High and will bow down.

Who is like You Lord, no one else compares to everything You are, My everlasting arms.
You are so beautiful, You called me by name when I felt lost, with Your Word, you healed my heart. Your loving hands restored my soul.

Who is like You Lord, There is none like you no one else compares to all Your majesty.

Dear Landon,

Your life has just begun, your pure innocence is the most beautiful thing to witness, we promise to all that loves you, you will have a blessed life and its an honor, a privelage, a blessing to be able to raise you… I dream about how the Lord is going to use you, our precious son, for His glory…you already have been used not only in our lives, but in others…because of your life, others see the Lord’s faithfulness, mercy and love, others see through you how the Lord works and how He gives miracles, how He answers prayers. I cannot put into words the immense, overwhelming, powerful love we feel for you Landon, you are our everything. We cannot thank God enough for your life…for your birthmother Amy and for her family…you are going to do big things my son, I already feel this deep down in my heart…you are our miracle…we love you.

Love,

Mommy

gotta go now..he is crying…

WE GOT THE CALL! Amy is being induced tomorrow morning!Please pray for safe travels for Darrel, Wendi and I! Please most importantly pray for Amy and Landon and for a safe delivery. Pray that the spirit be peace…that the Lord’s presence be felt in every single second of the next few days of every person involved. Love you all…

Last night we received a call from Amy’s caseworker, not the call that Landon was on his way, a call that the birthfather contacted Amy for our information because he wanted to speak to us…so a long story short, what he needed to know was that we cared about him, that we knew his side of the story, that we knew what he is sacrificing by making this decision to sign over his rights. He poured his heart out to us, he is about to lose everything that has meaning in his life because of this decision, his family has threatened and is going through with kicking him out, he has no where to go, no job, no car, nothing…but he repeated a couple different times that he knows “down deep in his heart that he is making the right decision for Landon, and that he knows he is not in a spot in life right now that he wants to be in…”. What I realized is that I have been so focused on Amy and Landon in my prayers that I often have not lifted this young guy up in prayers…thankfully Darrel has consistently been…and I was reminded that he is just as much a part of Landon as Amy…and that the Lord needs me to remember to pray for him daily, from last night on too, forever as we plan on doing for Amy.

It was neat because when we talked to Amy for the first time on the phone, the conversation was more lead by me, as a young women I think Amy needed to hear more about the women who would be caring for her son…last night it was switched, the conversation was more between Darrel and Landon’s birthfather. It was awesome for me to witness how Darrel interacted with him, how he spoke to him, not as a young guy but as a man and with such compassion and sensitivity. Darrel gave him what he needed I feel, reassurance that his decision is one that he admires, that we are extremely grateful for and that because he is sacrificing more than alot for this decision we can see his heart for Landon, and we can share this with Landon in the future. Darrel was able to share about our losses, and how because of our losses we can understand the loss he is feeling now…it was a Lord directed conversation. I was nervous still after we had ended the conversation that he maybe was having doubts but Darrel said “its going to be okay Julie….” and a few minutes later, Amy’s caseworker called us back and said “you guys were real with him, genuine, transparent…and because of this he feels a peace that he is in fact making a good decision and wants to help speed along the process and will be going to court immediately after the arrival of Landon to sign his rights away…”

Once again we see a piece of the puzzle that needed to be added, just four days before the arrival of Landon, He needed us to hear and understand Landon’s birthfathers heart…that he maybe was touched by Darrel last night in a way that we may never see come to life but that Darrel was able to share the love of the Lord through his words and heart for him…

 Dear Lord, You reminded me especially that You desire for me to care for this young man, You put him on the phone with us last night to care for him, I pray you bless him Lord, more than that use him in big ways, by making the decision he is Lord, he is losing many people in his life, his family, the ones who he needs to be there and love him unconditionally…he knows Lord he is making the right decision, however he is being punished for it, please Lord change the hearts of his family, soften them…we thank You for him…its an honor to know that you place people in our lives, trusting that we will care for them…we thank You for putting him in our lives, this conversation by no means was a mistake, it was planned by You, You desired for all of us to be on the phone last night together, so we could understand more what it is You are doing, we promise Lord the same promise we’ve made to Amy that he will forever be in our prayers. Lord thank you for reminders, thank you for all You’ve been doing, even four days before the birth of our son, you continue to open doors for growth in this journey…thank You, I pray that you be with every single person involved in this journey, that the overpowering feeling of peace be deeply rooted in each soul. What an incrediable God you are, that You are giving us this gift that is beyond what we deserve…we hope that we can be used more…thank You Lord. We love you…Amen

  We love our nursery, its simple which is us and each thing in this room was given to Landon and us out of love! The furniture is from my parents, the chair is custom made by Wendi and Ryan, the bedding custom made from Shannan and Greg and the art was hand painted by Mindy. If you click on the pictures you will see them full screen because they are cut off in this size. Give it a second to load and adjust to your screen.

Yesterday we switched cars with a couple from our small group who are SO generous and are allowing us to use their SUV which has 4 wheel drive and studded tires for the snow, which our Pathfinder doesn’t have, so we brought it home and packed everything in, it was fun…and we both said, “Okay, now really now we are ready to go, so call come in tonight PLEASE!” So last night I was doing some research on the internet and Darrel was watching the TV and the phone rang…so I got up…walked pass Darrel and said “maybe this is it…” picked up the phone and heard Amy’s caseworker on the other line…”Hi, Julie…” OH MY GOSH, this IS it, my heart started racing…and then immediately after she says “its not time for the baby yet…I thought I better say that before anything else….” NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! She had a quick question for us…AHHHHHHHH!!! It was torture I tell you, torture!!!!!!!

Today Amy is 39 weeks pregnant, so only 7 days away from her due date!

I REALLY do hope we don’t have to wait 7 more days, we are so anxious and every time the phone rings are hearts feel like they are going to explode…I know the Lord already knows what day Landon is meant to be here, and that it will be perfect but if we had our choice we would LOVE for him to be born this weekend! But if you want a good feeling of what this feels like, then tonight when you are lying in bed, just stare at your clock for 5 minutes, donot take your eyes off the clock, just stare at it….it will feel like an hour, I promise…so each minute feels like an eternity….we are NOT sleeping at all, neither of us, Darrel said last night while we were both tossing and turning,  ”I at least want Landon home and not be sleeping for a reason, but this is awful, not sleeping because of anxiety”…it seriously is torture!

So we’ll see how much longer we have to wait…I’m clinging onto the words the doctor told Amy…”he doesn’t think she will go until next Friday…”

It’s sweet over the last few days I’ve been getting a TON of text and emails from people…”are you going to call us or text us when you get the call…” This is our plan, well we do have a longggg drive too so I definately will have time to text or call everyone, but once we are on the road I promise you all, at least the people who have asked me to, text you that we are on our way…after that, I am leaving it to my Mom and Mindy to keep everyone updated through email or text…many of you have asked if I plan on blogging when we are there…I do hope so, I plan to so that I can remember everything…but I can’t promise anyone anything when it comes to blogging…depends on what is going on…SO if you are someone who doesn’t mind getting a text at possibly a random time in the night or even a call, let me know, I will glady call or text you that we are on the way…and if I can with updates if not, Mindy or my Mom will be the people you can contact about updates…so if you want their information email me and I will share it with you!!

On a more serious note, PLEASE continue praying for Amy and her family…and for a safe delivey of Landon! Thank you guys, I hope to be waking you up in the middle of the night saying “were on our way to meet Landon!!!!!”

Amy called us yesterday after she left her doctors appointment to let us know that she is dialated and the doctor does not believe she will last until Feb 22nd, so Landon may be joining us sooner than later. OH MY GOSH!!! Amy is so sweet…she is tired and anxious but she is ready she says for this little boy to be born. We talked about her job, her schooling, her family, we talked a little about the hospital…she asked about the baby shower and she said “it sounds like Landon is going to be very spoiled”…I reassured her “there will be no shortage of spoilage for this little boy.” Every time we talk to her we feel a deeper peace…we truly love her and we wish there were words we could share with her to tell her what she means to us, but there isn’t those words. We have been praying that while at the hospital the Lord guides us in how to be compassionate, sensitive and loving in a way that shows not only her, but her entire family our genuine love for her, so that they will leave with a peace that will get them through the grief they will be facing. I think the only word and we’ve used it many times to sum up what we think it will be like there is, bittersweet. Of course Darrel and I are beyond excited to meet our son…there are no words to describe how we feel about this… but we also are not naive to what we know will be taking place in Amy’s and her families hearts…and how could this not effect us too. Peace is what we pray for, for everyone involved.

It’s humbling to look back and see how Darrel and I thought this entire process would happen, we had it all planned out how we wanted things to take place…and none of what we thought would take place has taken place, we have opened our hearts, our home, our family and friends to this process when originally we felt we wanted to keep our private life, private…but the Lord has had other plans…. the blessings that have come out of this, have been more incrediable than we ever imagined possible. Last night as Darrel prayed, he thanked the Lord for all His blessing but he also prayed that next time we are faced with struggles, we lean on Him and trust Him, seek Him out because He so perfectly allows things to happen for reasons, He so perfectly knits lives together for reasons, His plans are always more perfect than our own…honestly there is nothing we would change, this journey has been the hardest years of our lives, full of heartache, disappointment, loss, grief…BUT also there has been growth, blessings, friendships, understanding that we wouldn’t exchange for anything. If life was just given to us without struggles, I don’t think we would be able to cherish, honor and love the way we do now…when things are easy there isn’t alot of growth, but when things don’t come easily, when you have to fight your way through things, when the ONLY thing you have is faith to cling to, when something brings you down to your knees calling out to Him for mercy, then when you see the end in sight you truly and deeply appreciate what you have had to endure and that life (Landon) will be recognized as a miracle, a miracle that will never be taken for granted of, a miracle that we will daily be thankful for, a miracle that the Lord gets all the glory and honor for….so when Amy hands over her son to us, we now know on such a deep level…possibly the deepest level…how perfect the Lord is in ALL He does…

“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him, you believe in Him and are filled with inexpressible and glorious joy.” 1 Peter 1:8 

The days are going sooooo slllloowwww now, we are only 11 days away from Landon’s due date but we are going a little crazy waiting. We both keep saying “Please Lord let it be today!” I think because we have every single thing that we can think of done, our house is clean the cars are clean the nursery is finished, everything is done so now we are just sitting around waiting for the phone call…maybe we should have left some to do’s on our list for each day? Oh well, I do need to be studying because I’m going to try to retake part 2 of my test before he is born so I don’t have that hanging over my shoulder…and Darrel is busy getting prepared for this new job and will be studying lots too, we hope that time will fly by alot faster than it has though. This weekend we kept ourselves really busy, we did a date night on Friday, ran around on Saturday, went to church, lunch and grocery shopping yesterday…but its not helping even when we are doing these things ALL we are thinking and talking about is Amy and Landon….SO we’ll see, the Lord knows the perfect time and of course we don’t want Landon to come a second too soon or too late, so we’ll have to be patient for these last 11 days…

I will post pictures of the nursery (I know, I know many of you have been asking for me to post these for a very long time) so I will take them and post them later on today or tomorrow!

This is a message from blah, blah, blah…every time the phone rings at our house my stomach gets the butterflies because Amy is only 2 weeks/ 14 days away from her due date but the phone has been ringing off the hook for the presenditial elections and non-stop telemarketers this week UGH! Don’t they know we are waiting for the most exciting, huge call of our life, that our son is about to born???

I spent this week organizing, cleaning, sterilizing, doing laundry with all the fun gifts we received for our baby shower and this morning I can officially say we are as ready as ready can be!!!! Yah, its been stressing me out but we are DONE! Darrel has a few little things to do this weekend but they are more aesthetic things like hanging the awesome art Mindy did for us, and putting a shelf up for his bottle warmer next to the rocking chair etc. 

Darrel is becoming good friends with a couple neighborhood guys (actually 1 of the guys just had a son about 2 weeks ago, were excited they will be so close in age, Landon and Camden will be neighborhood buddies) tonight they asked him to go to a basketball game so he is having a guys night out. So I plan on doing a solo girl night in and plan on vegging out in front of the T.V. and maybe do my nails and toenails. I know these kinds of things won’t be happening for awhile after Landon is here so we are soaking them up.

This morning I woke up to a really real dream, I was feeding a brand new baby (in my dream it was Landon) he was HUNGRY in this dream, sucking down his bottle so fast ..he was about half way through so I stopped him to burp him and he got really mad at me and started crying on the top of his lungs, but he would not burp so I was nervous to feed him more…anyways, it was real, it was crazy. He was TINY in the dream too. I’ve had about 3 dreams of an older baby since being on the adoption list, and every time the baby looks the same, dark skin, lots of black hair…but this dream he was a brand new baby…..GOSH, I’m SOOOO ready to meet Landon, I don’t want to dream about a baby anymore…I want to hold him and see him and love him…CANNOT WAIT!!!! When we pray at night we pray that in the next two and half minutes we get the call, haha, I think the Lord enjoys our sense of humor!

Still cannot believe this is all actually happening…I pray for Amy that her spirits are up, that her heart still is at peace about her decision, that her family is supporting her and loving her in the last couple weeks she has remaining of being pregnant…please continue to lift her up, especially her. Yesterday I read a blog from another adoptee women who is still waiting for her daughter from China to come home…her blogs title was “The blessings of being infertile”, most women would not consider infertility a blessing…but in it she goes on and on about all the blessings that have come her way because of her infertility that she knows wouldn’t have come had she not been infertile…friendships…her close relationship with the Lord…her daughter in China….at the very end of the blog she wrote this…”Blessed with the knowledge that this child, for whom I have waited all my life, was formed in perfection, to be knitted together with our family“…

Some things in life feel like a curse…infertility at times has felt like a punishment…but if I were to look back on all that has happened because of our losses and infertility, I honestly would not change a thing because like her there have been more blessings than I can count because of it…the Lord is so perfect in His design of our lives, His timing, His will, He HAS been knitting our lives together so that we would become a family and the only baby that would be perfect for Darrel and I IS Landon…and we are BEYOND blessed in seeing our journey come full circle…in seeing the completion and the amazingness of His creation…His story for our lives…thank you Lord for the blessing of infertility because of it we are going to be blessed with the most awesome, perfect, amazing gift we will ever receive…Landon!!!!