Our journey through adoption.

The journey to Landon is a story I would like to reserve for him and so I’m going to finish writing about the amazing experience we had with Amy, her family and bringing him home…and then finish this chapter in his and our lives.

So I jump right back in where I left off last…Amy’s grandmother had informed us that she along with Amy’s loved one’s felt it would be best for Landon, Amy and everyone involved for Landon to be released from the hospital the following day after his birth…we of course wanted nothing more than to start our new life with Landon but we also wanted to honor their wishes with sensitivity and make sure they had the time they desired to spend with him…the next morning after spending a sleepless night in the hospital, we awakened to the wonderful news that Landon could be released. To back up a little though, it was one of the hmmm…I don’t know the right word…”incomplete” feelings not having Landon near us that night, we felt a connection, a bond, a love that was instantaneous when we saw and held him for the first time, our hearts would never be the same again, fuller than we ever imagined possible and to sleep without him…to wake up without him was one of the hardest feelings I dealt with in this adoption process…but I also knew that Amy and her Aunt were with him and if he were not in our arms, he could not have been in any better arms with them. That morning Darrel went down and spent some time with Amy and her grandmother while Wendi and I got ready…soon after we were in the room, Amy’s family started to come to visit…we were in the room with Amy when her Mom came in with a request…”would it be okay if everyone came in and we prayed together?” of course we felt that would be an amazing experience…a room full of Amy’s family, friends and Darrel, Wendi and I joined hands in a circle..prayer was open to anyone who felt lead to pray…Amy’s uncle started the prayer by stating these words (not exactly word for word but what we remember)..Dear Lord, we thank you for Amy, for Landon, for Darrel and Julie…you created Landon for Darrel and Julie and we ask You to bless them as they raise Landon…” next Amy’s grandmother prayed, followed by me and then ending with Darrel. There was not a dry eye in that room, the presense of love and the Lord overwhelmingly filled that room and we believe every single person in there. To lighten the mood a little now…after we had finished praying we were walking out in the hallway and you know that really cheap tissue paper that you have stored in your purse just in case you need it…well I turned around and my sister’s entire face had huge clumps of tissue paper covering it…she had been crying pretty hard and was wiping her face and did not know that her face was COVERED in big white clumps it was HILARIOUS. After praying we asked for some privacy with Amy so we could give her a heart necklace and card we had picked out for her…this would be the first time we would see emotion overcome Amy…she started to cry really hard after she read the card we had written to her, Darrel got down on his knees and just held her so tenderly as she cried, it was a sight that will never be forgotten. I knew at that moment that Amy knew that our love for her was geniune and as much as she was grieving, she knew in her heart her decision was right. We had a very blessed conversation with her Aunt as well on this day and her aunt’s major concern was that Landon always know that it was not because of lack of love that he was placed in our arms…in fact in was exact opposite…pure love is what this entire journey has been about.

Amy’s grandmother said the vision that her and her family will forever carry on in their hearts to help them have peace is this… hundreds of hopeful adopting couples standing in a huge crowd saying please choose us…choose us…and the Lord looking down from above and pointing to Darrel and I and saying its him and her, they are the one’s I have hand chosen for Landon…she said she knows with full confidence that this entire journey was directed and guided by the Lord and because of that she is at peace.

This day would be the most draining day of everyone’s lives I think…full of emotion…lots of tears…joy…grief…happiness…sadness…heaviness…lightness….every emotion I think a person could feel in this situation was felt…but thank the Lord that there was peace through it all.

After a very long wait…Amy’s grandmother came out and talked to us about how Amy would like for Landon to be placed in our arms forever…we would go in and say our goodbye’s to Amy…her family…and then if we could leave the room so they could say their goodbye’s to Landon in privacy and then the caseworker would come in and take Landon out of Amy’s arms and bring him to us in the nursery…

Amy had told us that she didn’t sleep at all the night before because she wanted to spend every second she could with Landon, and on this day she spent her time with him holding him, loving him and staring at him. She dressed him in a really cute outfit she had chosen for him…every sound he would make she would say “oh how cute..” or if he would cry she would want to help him, she loves Landon and because of this love she placed him with us knowing that he would have the life she dreams of for him. Is there a greater love? Is there a greater sacrifice because of love? A braver choice? courageous choice? I can’t think of one…

We said our tearful goodbye’s and tried to tell  Amy what she means to us and how grateful we are for her but again there aren’t those words…then waited anxiously for the nursery doors to open and see Landon and hold him knowing we would never be parted again. I will never forget the JOY I felt as I saw Amy’s caseworker wheel him in, in the rolling basinet to us…and being able to hold him in private with just Darrel, Wendi and I for the first time…it was the greatest joy I felt in my life, a HUGE weight that has been on our shoulders for years being lifted completely away is unlike any feeling I’ve ever felt in my life.

Now as if the two days were not as blessed as could possibly be we have something so incrediable to share…how God shows His face sometimes in very clear, unquestionable ways…about an hour into the drive I was in the backseat with Landon on the phone with my friend Jenn and I wasn’t paying attention to anything outside but my sister looked back at me and said “Jul…look…” remember when I blogged about the rainbow the Lord showed me a day before we got the call about Amy? I was at my breaking point and I saw a rainbow and knew it was the Lord saying to me “please hold on…your prayers are going to be answered?” go back and read  that post and you will understand the beauty of this moment…off in the distance was a rainbow…it gives me goosebumps to this day…it was clear and yet there was this beautiful rainbow spread across the sky…I knew the Lord was showing us all that His promise was fufilled and we immediately prayed thanking the Lord for answered prayers…it was incrediable! My sister put together a photo album and she wrote captions throughout it and I think she put it perfectly…”One day your Mommy told me that she had felt like giving up. Her sorrow and long for you were almost starting to be too much. Then she looked outside and saw a perfect rainbow..a gift from God. She knew that was God telling her that His miracles were soon to come and to trust in Him and so she did. Know, a few months later, God stayed true to His promise and they have you. On the way home from the hospital about an hour into the drive we looked off into the sky and saw this rainbow. In our awe we knew that God was letting us know that He is good and was showing us what faith and trust will bring us through Him.”

There is SO much to share about the experiences, conversations, tears, emotions at the hospital….so many neat moments that in writing would never do them justice so I will forever remember them so I can share one day with Landon the LOVE that surrounded him. And if you would like to hear the details I would love to share, not only because its Landon’s story but also because it so clearly shows the Lord’s faithfulness…

How do I even begin to end Landon’s adoption story…I have tears running down my cheeks right now…this story will never grow old…our journey to Landon didn’t begin when we started this adoption process…it began before our time…and that is what is mind boggling to me..to know that the Lord placed Darrel and I into each other lives… knew that Darrel and I would meet in high school..fall in love…get married…desire a family…lose two angels…that He would bring us to Idaho because He knew there would be a young women named Amy who He desired us to meet and love…that Amy would choose us among 50 other couples to be parents to Landon…to go into the adoption closed minded about being open in this process and now having an extended family through this experience…for God to show us in so many ways His love and power…His hand has been in this from beginning to end…and now Darrel and I get to stare down onto the most beautiful little boy we’ve ever placed eyes on…when I look at Landon I see God’s goodness in Him, I see a precious miracle that we will never take for granted. I see Amy in him and I thank God for her every single day..the love I feel for him is deeper than words will ever be able to describe…he is our miracle. He is the reason the Lord has had us go down this pathway and thank you Lord is never going to be enough…each and every step, each fall, each tear, each lonely night, each prayer has been worth it to be able to feel my son breath on my chest, to hear his little sounds, to see him stare up at me in love, to watch him as I call his name from across the room and see his eyes search for me, to see innocence, to watch him as he learns, to watch him as he daily changes and grows…our journey to him has ended yet our journey with him has just begun and there is no greater joy and responsibility that is more important to us than to raise him in the Lord, in a home that is stable, warm, loving, supportive, fun…the Lord placed him in our arms to raise him to be the best man he can be…each day he will hear about Jesus, he will be told he is loved and given nothing less than what he deserves from a Daddy and Mommy.

Dear Lord,

I could have never ever imagined in my life that I would be a part of such a miracle Lord, what an honor and privelage this journey has been to be a part of, thank you is not enough…what I have learned dear Lord is that You are perfect in timing, You are merciful and loving, Your plans are far reaching, that life is a gift that I should never take for granted, dear Lord Landon is Yours to do as You hope for him, our hopes as parents could not even compare to those plans we know You have for his life. I dedicate my every single day to loving Landon with all my heart and soul…Lord I pray that as this journey has ended You be given all the credit and glory Lord from those around us who have been alongside us through this process…I pray that You use Landon as a tool for great things in his life, I pray that he grows up never doubting in the love that surrounded him from before birth and the love that we have for him as parents. Thank you for completing the rainbow Lord, a perfect rainbow…thank You for all of the loving family and friends whom You’ve placed in our lives to be supportive in those times that we could barely hold on, thank You for the love they all have for Landon…I can go on and on about the love I feel for you, I will praise, honor and lift up Your name alll the days of my life because there is no greater love than the love I feel for You. You are amazing Lord, and I thank You from the bottom of my heart for the miracle of Landon in our lives…thank You for the joy he brings to our lives! I also pray over our two angels You are holding up in heaven, they are missed and loved and because of their lives, though short and never seen on earth, they filled us with love and we look forward to the day where we are reunited with them in heaven. We have peace in knowing that, though we will forever grieve for them, they are in a perfect place with You and You used them in our lives and other’s lives as well…to teach us what a miracle life is. Thank you Lord for the joy of Landon for making us whole again. Amen

Dear Landon,

You are sleeping peacefully right next to me right now, when I look down onto your precious face I can’t help but smile, you bring me such joy and happiness my son, joy and happiness I could never have imagined. I pray Landon you know that you are a miracle in our eyes. You were placed lovingly in our arms by your birthmother Amy and we take the role she wanted us to lead as your parents so seriously. Landon when I dream about what I want your life to be, I desire  for you to love the Lord with all your heart, as you one day will read your story I hope I’ve done a good job of showing the Lord’s hand in all of this…I pray you are happy, I pray you always feel complete in knowing how much you are loved. I pray you enjoy life to the fullest, that we provide a solid foundation of love. I pray you love unselfishly and give whole heartedly, I pray you enjoy life, each day of it. I know deep down in my heart that God has big plans for you, because He has already used you in huge ways in your short life…I dream about you doing the things that make you happy…I wonder what gifts you have been given and how you will use them…I dream about watching you grow up…my heart is yours Landon, I want you to know that its okay for you to make mistakes, feel safe in that, I want you to know that there is nothing you could ever do that will make us love you less, you are safe in our arms always. We will do our best to guide you, we will faithfully pray over you and trust that God is in complete control. I pray we show you that in hard times, in times of loss, frustration, trials that the Lord is right there next to you, carrying you through.  Landon you have already made me the happiest I have ever been in my life…I love you Landon with ALL my being! I love you precious little boy…this journey to you has been the greatest journey of my life and now I look forward whole heartedly to the rest of this journey…to our new journey with you in it. You are a miracle…you are our angel.

Love,
Mommy

And so this is how Landon’s adoption story ends…and now a new journey begins.

“Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope.” Ephesians 3:20

Sorry its taken me a bit longer than I thought to get back on and blog. Life as a Mommy is very busy but so amazingly rewarding and fun. It’s constant, don’t let anyone fool you…and the tiredness I feel is different than any kind of tired I’ve ever felt but I would not change this for ANYTHING, the love we have for Landon surpasses anything else…he is truly the love of our lives….

Okay Landon has a different idea of what Mommy should be doing right now…which is not blogging, haha, he is over on the chair tooting away and starting to whimper so I will get back on as soon as I can…Mommyhood is calling…. I LOVE IT!!!!!!

OKAY I’M BACK! Daddy is studying and Landon is snoozing very comfortably on his Daddy’s chest…listening to his heartbeat…precious! I’m just going to jump in where I left off last time…

When Amy’s grandmother came out and said those words with tears running down her cheeks, I just rubbed her back and said “thank you…we are ready..” it was the longest walk of our lives to get to Amy’s room…it felt like 20 miles, we couldn’t get there fast enough…once we finally got to her door…I took a deep sigh and then we walked in and saw Amy holding Landon rubbing his legs gently…her grandmother, aunt, mom, Wendi and Darrel and I were all in there..we went over to Amy gave her a huge hug and then layed eyes on our son for the first time…he took my breath away he was so perfect…video camera’s were rolling, camera’s clicking away but all I could hear or focus on was Amy and Landon…I didn’t even realize any of this was going on…after giving Amy a hug she asked “would you like to hold hiim?” YES…and as she handed him over lovingly into my arms she quietly said “here he is, here is Landon!”…there is video tape of me holding him for the first time…I completely lost it and started to cry hard…at that point I became aware of the video cameras taping me and got self conscious but I heard Amy’s mom say “its okay Julie, just go with it…”…there were lots of tears shed, lots…I could not take my eyes off of him, the feeling of holding him in my arms for the first time was the MOST amazing feeling I’ve EVER felt in my life….then I handed him to Darrel and just seeing my husband hold his son for the first time was so emotional…my husband who has been my rock through this journey, been my best friend, the husband who has seen me at my worst, who has comforted me in my darkest moments, my husband the one who has knelt down on his knees beside me in prayer many times asking for this gift…for the gift of a child…the one who I’ve held hands with each night in prayer…the one who has heard me and held me close more times than I can count when I would cry myself to sleep in pain, in desperation of wanting to be a Mommy…it was just a release of emotion, a feeling of peace as I saw him hold his tiny son in his arms for the first time…it was so GOD…His presence in that room filled everyone I believe….I knew in that moment that this was the EXACT, PERFECT moment that He knew all along would one day come for us…the one He had been leading us to for all of our lives! It’s incrediable to see all the pieces of the puzzle that at times seemed so broken and misplaced come together so perfectly that there is NO DENYING that it was GOD’S WILL for us to be in that room with Amy, her family, Wendi and us…NO denying the Lord’s timing and His plan in our lives at that exact moment it all became clear and though we will never ever forget the journey that we have had to go on, or our two precious angel babies…we were able to let go at that moment…and know that a new journey was awaiting us, one fuller than we could ever have imagined! After spending some time with Landon, Amy’s family and friends began to flood in the room and so Wendi, Darrel and I stepped out of the room to give them their time as a family to love Landon. I remember we were walking out of the room seeing all their faces walking in…bittersweet…and I remember silently saying a prayer of thankfulness for Amy, Landon and for her family and friends.

That night after everyone had left we went back up and spent some time with just Amy and her aunt…Amy wanted to hold Landon every second she could and we wanted nothing more for her than that…we knew in our hearts that Amy needed to spend quality time with him, to love him and to bond with him. During this time Amy’s grandmother asked Darrel to step out in the hallway with her, she told him that they were going to ask if Landon could be released the next day because they knew it would be so hard to say goodbye already but even harder if they had a couple extra days as a result of Amy having a csection…she also wanted us to have that time to start our bonding with him….and for him to be home with us….so the next day we would bring Landon home, but in the hours leading up to his releasal many blessed conversations took place….many more tears….prayers…so I will fill you in on that soon…

To end todays blog…the moments I will remember in my heart always from this day was a waiting room full of people who truly loved Amy and Landon…I will remember seeing Amy’s mom walk out with tears running down her cheeks annoucing that Amy and Landon were both healthy…I will remember watching him and hearing him on video tape…I will remember Amys grandmother coming out of the double glass doors saying “are you ready to meet your son?”…I will remember walking in and seeing Amy holding Landon in her arms…her saying “here he is, here is Landon” and her handing him over to me…I will remember each of Amy’s family and friends faces as they walked in to see Landon and Amy…I will remember just watching Amy with Landon that night…how she rubbed his little legs…and each time he would make a noise she would say “how cute..he’s so cute..”…I will remember the feeling of holding him in my arms for the first time…and seeing Darrel holding him in his arms for the first time…I will remember how peaceful it was in the midst of all the emotions being felt…the Lord’s OVERWHELMING peace filling that room. It was a day in our lives that was planned and known before our time…and all the intricate details that took place to get us ALL there in that room on that exact date and moment in time is just beyond comprehension…only the Lord could orchestate such a day…only He knew what each of us in that room would need to go through to get there…only He knew that Darrel and I would need to move to Idaho a couple years ago because only He knew that we would one day meet Amy…and that through Amy we would be given the gift we’ve prayed for, for years…I told my Mom and Wendi the other day…Landon is a gift from God and He used Amy to deliver him to us….pretty amazing…

Dear Lord,

Just in looking back and replaying February 19th over again gives me goosebumps…to see how each piece of a our lives leading up to this day has been an intricate and detailed plan is just beyond me, beyond my understanding…to see how perfectly You put together Your masterplan of our lives its amazing…to see something come full circle is beautiful…Lord You make no mistakes…though at times we felt this path was too much to bear…You carried us through..it wasn’t easy…in fact it was the hardest years of our lives…and at times it was not the path I would have chosen….but at the end I saw Your face the most clear that I have ever seen it when I looked down on my son for the first time…I saw Your beauty in Him…I witnessed Your miracle in Him Dear Lord….You were there staring back at me…and I would like to think that You were thinking “well done good and faithful servant”…I know that I was not always the person You created me to be..I lacked faith at times in what You were doing…in Your timing….and I ask for forgiveness for my doubts…but I can honestly say Lord You were the only reason I was able to go on through this journey…You put so many amazing people alongside me in this journey to keep me going but at the end of the day when there was only silence and darkness…You were the One who I called on for help and love…and You always were there to get me through…I love you Lord…as I watch my son sleeping…as I hear his coos…as I see his chest move up and down each day…I thank You for this gift of life that You have entrusted me to care for…there are no words I can speak to You to show my thankfulness…but You know my heart…You see my heart…and its the fullest its ever been because of Your gift to me…amen!